testing, testing...

keep your grapes peeled y'all (if there is anyone left out there that used to read me)

i am taking a tentative step towards coming back to blogging regularly. i've been feeling the itch, mama's just trying to scratch it.

once back to business, this place will be once again a weight-loss blog, but also just a life blog in general.

i was looking back at my old posts and god...i can't believe i ever looked that young. like a baby! and sadly, i can't believe that in looking at some of my old progress photos that i was ever the size that i was. in the two years since i quit blogging i've gained about 25lbs, and am now right under my highest weight ever.

i've grown up and battled through so much in two years....i want to be like the girl who wrote this blog as a fresh faced 22 year old. as hard as i thought things were back then, i wish life was still so nice and easy. i want to have that much pep and kick-ass back.

here's to me taking back my life (and my body!)

hope to see y'all soon!

update...

my apologies for being absent of late...

my internship/schoolwork is TAKING OVER MY LIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!!!




in a good way...


been kinda putting other things on hold for now, trying to eat sensibly, but its not always working out. i know its no excuse, and i'm trying to change it.

miss y'all

its offish...

i'm officially an undergrad intern at Manito Behavioral Health and Human Services/ Laurel Life in Chambersburg PA!!

i had an AMAZING interview today....it feels so good!

see, i have this little pre-interview ritual. i've done it for every interview i've ever had. the day of my interview (or night before if its an early morning interview) i give myself a manicure/pedicure with Rimmel #660 Climax, a big, bold, brilliant purple. i call it my Power Purple, cause it does just that, makes me feel powerful. the next step is to crank some inspirational tunes, such as Ego by Beyonce/Sasha Fierce (duh), Don't Stop Believin' by Journey, Can't Touch This by MC Hammer, and a whole playlist of music to get my blood pumping and my confidence soaring. next, i put on my sexiest lingerie, usually a vampy bra/panty combo, and dance around my room while i get dressed. i dunno what it is, but it gives me an extra boost of confidence going into even the tamest interview dressed to kill (at least underneath). and there you go my friends, my secret for killer interviews.

and unfortunately, as awesome as today was, about 20 minutes after i left my interview, i had a HUGE anxiety attack. anxiety is an equal opportunity disorder, happy news or sad or anything in between is open for it to hit. i started worrying if i would fail, be stupid and get fired, just be stupid in general and ohmygod what if i dont even know what i'm doing, thisisgonnabehorriblejustgobackandtellthemno. i felt bipolar. up and down, balls to the wall excited and crushed on the floor anxious.

and so enters the Binge. spazzing, gottaeateverythinginthehouse and gobuyjunkfood freaking out in my head. i got about halfway through a really bad binge, nearly to the point of making and consuming a whole pan of brownies myself, and i just stopped cold. i threw everything away and went upstairs. lit an awesome new candle, put on some music and just tried to relax around my upset stomach.

life is crazy y'all, even the best day can make me run for food, not just the bad. but the point is i stopped, i didnt let my horror and shame and disgust at myself send me into a chocolate/food coma.

i went with the good. i called my fiance, cried and laughed and got my irrational fears out and quashed them, and celebrated my huge accomplishment.

and i'm just so freakin excited! the insane workload that is now on my shoulders is intimidating, but i'm going to do it, and i'm going to do it like a champ.

to tweet or not to tweet...

even after swearing up and down that i would nevereverever join yet another social media site and put my bits on display for the world....

i've been contemplating setting up a twitter account for the xxl-files. a weight loss related kind of thing to complement the blog.

but i feel the need to ask your opinion.


so? what do ya think? yay or nay?

super sunday update....

first off, i could give less of a shit about the super bowl, so i'm just gonna talk about how great my weekend has been : )

i weighed in on friday like i said, and the scale told me i was 337, but i call bullshit. i've been retaining a metric ton of water lately and just been feeling generally bloated so i think thats where the extra pounds are coming from. i've been trying to up my water intake, but it just never seems to be enough. my clothes are looser, so i know the weight is coming off somewhere but its just not showing on the scale.

so this weekend....

well, my weekend has been amazing. matter of fact, this whole past week has been amazing. relaxed and refreshed and just feeling great. took a walk with my guy in between rain showers and made some tasty, healthy dinners.

i feel more clear and focused and goal oriented than i have in a long time. my motivation and excitement for school and classes is back and i'm working hard to catch up and get everything back to good. i've started carrying around a notebook again, which seriously helps me organize my thoughts and my days and my life.

and things are starting to work out with my internship search! i got a callback on friday from one of my top choices and have an interview set for wednesday!!! also today i knocked out and revised a KILLER resume and coverletter and sent them off with some applications for some kick-ass job opportunities. i'm crossing my fingers extra hard that i'll hear back about one particular application; it's for a TSS (therapeutic staff support) job with NHS Human Services in Central PA!!!! its a CHERRY job and i think if i even get just a callback i'll be proud. (and if i get it...bitches there WILL be some serious celebrating going on).

one minor disappointment this week was that i didnt get to go to zumba on wednesday. our instructor was in a car accident and couldnt do classes. hopefully this coming week will have me boogie'n and burnin.

i'm starting to get my life back in order, get my career some running shoes and a practice track, and get one step closer every day to that navy blue and white cap and gown.

coming alive again...

hey all,
i know i've been kind of an absent blogger lately, but there have been some big changes over here at casa de erin.

i weighed on friday, but i don't remember what it was and every time i weigh myself now it changes every day. so i'm gonna hold off and do it friday and just go with that number.

but back to the changes.

so i realized about a week and a half ago that i was in kind of a depressive funk. the thing i love (read: hate) about being depressed is that i only recognize the telling signs of it in myself after it's already been hanging around like a houseguest that wont leave and uses all your clean towels and eats all your cheerios. but the point is, i DID recognize the signs like anger, moodiness, bouts of sleeplessness and oversleeping for hours, and general lack of interest in everything. so i set to work to try to clear away the clouds and get back to feeling like myself again.

i think the whole thing started when i filed my intent to graduate. you'd think something like that would make me ecstatic, overjoyed, whatever. but it terrified me. the second i clicked "file intent" i was automatically flooded with negative thoughts. i have a chronic fear of failure, and something like this triggered it big time. probably from then on i became someone else. that person used my face and body, tried to be me, but failed. i dont think anyone was fooled. i was a mess inside.

we're not even gonna talk about the Cupcake Incident.

yea...badbadbadness.

but i managed to get my sunshine back, and it seriously feels like i've been asleep for the last month. i barely remember anything.

i've been working on getting not only myself, but my home and school environment organized and under control again. i've been sleeping better, taking better care of myself, keeping up with my schoolwork, and being attentive in my relationship.

it feels good to be back...

quick weigh-in update

starting weight: 342.4
current weight: 333.8
loss this week: -1.6
total loss: -8.6

sweet...trucking along just about the pace i want.

as far as school goes, i'm having serious motivation issues. i am so anxious about getting my internship set up and done in time to graduate that it's literally taking all of my energy just to worry about it.

annnnnd we're off...

jesus can you believe that january is almost over already?!

its been crazy busy and exciting so far, but first things first...

i weighed in friday morning because i was going to be away from my scale on saturday and heeeeere's the numbers

starting weight: 342.4
current weight: 335.4
loss this week: -1.8
total loss: - 7.0

pretty awesome! i'm trying to work on move my weigh in to sometime during the week, might stick with fridays for now though.

another awesome thing? my campus is offering free zumba classes every day of the week! freak yeaaaaaaaa....i think i'm gonna try to go next wednesday. i'm so excited.

i'm dealing with some performance anxiety now that i've officially put in my intent to graduate in the spring. i'm spazzing a little bit to get my internship set up and all my classes taken care of. so far i think this semester will be pretty chill though.

hope you guys are having a great start to 2011 too!

wicked awesome weigh-in!

starting weight: 342.4
current weight: 337.2
loss this week: -5.2
total loss: -5.2


fuck.
fuckin.
yesssssssssssss.

what a week. kick ass weight loss and one of the most amazing dinner experiences i've ever had at VOLT in frederick, MD.

life is good

the final countdown (also, quiche recipe)...

so we're down to exactly one week from today until spring semester starts (i.e. the last one!) and i'm torn. on one hand, i really, REALLY do not want to give up all these handfuls of free time, but on the other, i am bored out of my mind, and that my friends, leads to grazing. no love.

i'm ready to be busy again...just ya know, not with homework or internships or anything.

this weekend was wonderfully sweet. breakfast in bed (waffles!), a mini-marathon of Third Watch our favorite show, and massive assive cleaning. finally got the old bed and box spring, which had been sitting half inside the closet door (wtf? how am i supposed to get my clothes man?), mostly out of the apartment. the mattress is still in our bedroom but neatly now, up against the wall. laundry put away, candles to burn away the smell of dust and dirty clothes (god, seriously, do men never clean?) and most everything put to rights again. ahhh, i love a clean bedroom/bathroom. it feels more peaceful and restful, i swear.

we started our "household" budget last night, keeping track of when things are due, when paychecks arrive, receipts of crap we buy, and what we can put into savings. it felt really great, like we were actually working together and  understanding each other. let's just hope it keeps up!

and finally, today i broke in my new tart pan (with removable bottom, ooooooh) that i got for christmas with a freakin bad-ass quiche. quiche is such a delicate word, but delicate this quiche was not. this was a filling, veggie stuffed, whole-wheatified, hearty demigod of quiches. and don't be afraid, this quiche is meant to stand alone, to which i recommend eating it on smaller plates than we did (giant dinner-sized), or giving it a plate buddy like a sassy side salad so it doesnt look so lonely. who doesnt like a sassy side salad?

the crust of this bad boy is amazing, and if you overestimate the amount of dough you'll need like i did, you can roll it out and make tasty little homemade crackers! i take my dough seriously folks, no wasting in this kitchen. it's full of herbs and butter, seldom a bad combination, but throw whole wheat into the mix and you've got a fiesta. a whole-grain fiesta.

if you like your quiche super eggy, you might wish to adapt this to include more egg. i prefer my quiche full of stuff, and i rather like to use the egg more of a medium to hold all that stuff together instead of being the main event.

when all was said and done, this came out beautifully. savory, herb-y, eggy goodness.

Salmon, Cheddar & Summer Veggie Quiche w/ Whole Wheat Herb-Butter Crust
Yields 6 large slices or 8 medium slices
nutrition facts can be found *here*

crust ingredients
2/3 cup whole wheat flour
2/3 cup all-purpose flour
1 tsp. salt
1 tbsp. dried basil
1/2 tsp. dried thyme
1 stick butter (softened)
1/4 cup water

filling ingredients
1/4 lb. turkey bacon, medium diced
1/3 cup diced medium onion (any color)
1/2 red bell pepper, medium diced
1/2 medium zucchini. medium dice half and slice the rest into coins or wedges to garnish
1/2 cup diced mushrooms (i like portobellos, but any kind of hearty mushroom will do)
1 frozen salmon filet approx 4 oz. (optional) cubed
2 large eggs
3 egg yolks
1/2 cup reduced fat or fat free sour cream
salt and pepper to taste
1 cup extra sharp shredded cheddar cheese, divided

to make the crust
1. mix dry ingredients in a medium bowl. cut butter into bowl and combine. dont be afraid to use your hands here. mix butter and dry ingredients until a crumbly dough forms. add in water and slowly collect dough in a ball shape, squeezing and reshaping with your hands until all the flour is incorporated. you can add in more water if you feel your dough is too dry.
2. wrap ball in plastic wrap and place in the fridge for 10 minutes. this makes the rolling easier and you wont get melted butter all over your hands (true story). you can also start prepping your vegetables while you wait.
3. preheat oven to 425 degrees. remove dough from fridge and roll out on wax paper sprinkled with flour. roll out dough until the diameter is at least 3 inches wider than the top of your chosen baking vessel. transfer to baking pan and fold down edges so that the side/top crust is thicker than the bottom crust. if you are using a regular pie plate, flute or crimp edges down. if you are using a tart pan, press firmly into the sides to an even thickness all around. prick bottom a few times with a fork to reduce puffing. (you can also use pie weights, rice, or beans on a sheet of aluminum foil)
4. Bake for 12-15 minutes, set to cool slightly, and reduce oven temp to 350 degrees.

to make the filling
1. crisp bacon in a skillet to your desired level of doneness and remove from pan. using the same pan, saute vegetables and salmon until tender. return bacon to the party.
2. in a small bowl, whisk together the eggs, egg yolks, sour cream and half the shredded cheese. salt and pepper to taste.
3. spoon vegetable mix evenly into the bottom of the crust. don't be afraid if your crust is completely full, we want it that way. evenly pour egg mixture over top of the vegetables, it will seep down and bind everything together. garnish with remaining cheese and zucchini slices.
4. Bake for 30 minutes then broil at 500 degrees for 5 minutes or until cheese is bubbly and golden.

enjoy!

bright, shiny, new year...

i woke up this afternoon morning wonderfully hangover free.

 i spent a mellow, relaxed new years at home with my family, although R was hauling bodies at work and was greatly missed. we had a great little spread that was way way scaled back from what we usually have. cheese and crackers with  fruit, steamed shrimp, and a sweet little nibblet my bro and i thought up. we were craving hot wings but didnt want to put up the cash or go out, sooo i just cubed up some lean chicken breasts, lightly pan fried them and coated em in pepper sauce. mmmmmm yummy, cheap, and healthier than take-out. armed with finger food and wine, we waited for 2011 to arrive.

about 30 seconds till midnight, i got a phone call from my love and we rang in the new year together watching fireworks. i would have loved to have him there for a kiss, but it was still wonderful.

2010 was just about the best year i've ever lived through. and thinking back on it, i actually feel like i was alive this year, not just existing from one year to the next. i saw dreams come true, goals achieved, and futures begun. it was truly amazing, and i cant wait to see what 2011 brings.

and now rolling with the cheerful cliche of a new year, i have a couple of goals to make.

i want to lose weight. duh. i want to get healthier. and i am determined to work hard at it. what i am not going to do this year is to make it a competition. you cant compete with yourself, and competing with others only results in someone coming up short. i dont want to do that. the thing i DO want to do, feel better, physically, by gradually reducing my body weight. i'm going to start posting numbers and weekly weigh ins again, because i feel ready for it. i've taken my time to work on my issues, and now i'm ready to take control again.

as of this morning, i weighed in at 342.4. yipes. but i'm not going to wallow. i'm going to work.

luckily, i have some neat tools, including my new favorite thing...

 

its a reusable, plastic cup with a straw! it holds a cool 16 oz, is double walled so that it won't sweat, and both the cup and straw are made of hard, durable, eco-friendly plastic. also, it looks like a take-out cup, which is awesomely cute. its so much sweeter than a water bottle and its pink. i picked one up at old navy when i was doing my post-christmas sale-ing, and i loved it so much i went out and bought another one.

 it helps me improve my water intake and its wicked adorable, which makes it fun.

i'm also working on keeping a budget, and creating a household budget for R and i. combining two incomes (or his income and my occasional babysitting cash....until i get a job after graduation) and two different spending habits and styles is going to be interesting, but we're making this plans and following through.

another thing, i want to take better care of myself to improve and maintain fertility. i'm not planning on getting pregnant for another couple of years, but i want to improve my chances for when we're ready. i've been tracking my periods and ovulations and it's helped me become more aware of what my body goes through throughout the month and how it effects my appetite, moods, sleeping habits, and energy levels.

another goal, to stop being afraid of the doctor. i need to make dental appointments, and check-ups and what not, and actually go to them. i need to stop being so afraid of what might be found, that i hide and ignore instead. that needs to change.

i am excited and a little scared to see all the changes 2011 has in store for me and for my future, but i am resolved to face it head on.

happy new year to everyone, i hope it's started out amazingly.

*update...chili recipe*

you can find the recipe here


i have loved this recipe for years, but i just decided to play around with it and add some chunky veggies like bell peppers, zucchini, and carrots. i also like to garnish with shredded sharp cheddar cheese and sour cream. its warm, slightly spicy, and wicked delicious. perfect for a cold winter night.

and btdub, i frigging love my dutch oven!

holiday wrap up and setting goals...

the holidays are winding down and now we're preparing to meet 2011 head on. we had an amazing, wonderfully relaxing christmas, full of family, friends and great times. i got some great gifts, with a definite culinary focus. i got a mini muffin pan, a set of springform pans, a supercute giant cupcake pan, and my favorite, often longed for, a dutch oven! it is beautiful, red enameled and hefty. i plan on christening it this evening with a nice big batch of weight watchers beef and black bean chilli. yummmm

new years eve is tomorrow and i've been thinking a lot about what kind of goals i want to set for myself in the coming year.
one big goal is to take the time to take care of myself and start losing weight again. i've gained over the holiday, and i know that i need to do better. it's time to get serious about weight loss again and get back on track. i've got to.
another big goal is to start keeping a budget and putting money away. we have a new place to save for, and all the stuff that goes along with a major move (and the combination of two people's crap). i want to be as prepared as possible.

what are some of your goals for 2011?

another semester annhilated...

and i can finally release the collective breath i've been holding for the past month.

officially took my last final today at 2:15.

by 3:00 i was slipping and sliding my ass over to the bookstore in the snow to sell some books.

at 3:15 i walked away with a cool $115 and i was a happy camper.

::huuuuuge sigh of relief::

it's over : )

my grades arent completely in yet, but it looks really good that i could get dean's list for the first time ever. i have pushed myself so SO damn hard this semester. i never knew i had this kind of motivation in me, at least academically. it feels good to realize that this potential i have in me actually be achieved.

on the weight loss front, i'm stalled at the moment. but i honestly think focusing solely on school gave me the freedom to achieve my goals this semester. my mind is starting to come back around to weight loss, i'm starting to get that motivation back and its feeling good. i think one of my biggest goals during the break is to focus on what i'm eating, not eating out of boredom, and staying active while its cold and snowy out. i'm going to have a suddenly greater amount of free time and i'm going to struggle to get up in the morning and stay busy as opposed to sleeping in every day and staying up every night.

but joy of joys (warning: sarcasm imminent) the spring semester starts in 3 weeks! then i will be stuck at a grueling pace of classes 5 days a week, plus an internship. gulp. i think i better enjoy my free time while i actually have some.

life is going so quickly its making my head spin. the first leg of school is coming to a close, a career is looming, the guy and i are talking about cohabitation, planning our upcoming (after a nice long engagement!) nuptuals, babies, and so much. i'm going a little crazy with all this future couply stuff. i've for so long been a solitary soul.

at the start of this month we celebrated a year together and it just blew my mind. it feels like a blink of time. i want to spend more time just being us, not planning our futures to the T. i'm trying to slow things down. i know i'm going to spend my life with him, but i dont want to wait until the babies are come and we're far into a marriage to spend time together just being together.

and just as an aside, did christmas sneak up like a bitch on anyone else? freakin christmas is next week and i am SO not prepared.

i need a drink.


have a great holiday y'all.

and when it was finally over...

so the thanksgiving holiday went swimmingly. everyone was together and fed and happy, there was no family drama, and no one barfed.

in all, i'd say it was a huge success.

first things first, i helped my kitchen-ly challenged best friend with a thanksgiving trial run, teaching her about proper turkey care and mashing about 5 lbs of potatos. i also baked pie, because if i didnt, no one in that house would have had pumpkin pie, and that, in itself, is a tragedy. everything went well, my surrogate children enjoyed pumpkin pie for the first time, and the holiday season was kicked off beautifully.

then on thursday my mom and i hosted the big dinner this year at her place, and on top of all the uncles and cousins, we welcomed my fiance and his mother into the mix as well. everyone got along and hit it off really well. and we tried a new tactic this year: buffet line in the kitchen, dinner in the dining room. although not intentional, location of the food, and also location of my seat at the table were a big factor in how i handled myself eating wise and managed to be satisfied without going overboard. i was comfortably sandwiched between raphael and his mother on the far side of the table, meaning that once i sat down, getting back out again would have been really difficult since we squeezed as many people as we could around that big ol table. add in not having platters and bowls and baskets circulating around the table (and sitting there temptingly in front of me), i was able to make my one plate, take my one roll, and have a delicious, satisfying, not at all puke-inducing meal  surrounded happily by my family and loved ones.

and now as we move into december, my house is full of christmasy scents, my tree is up (and i even let the boy help me decorate....minus all my "rules" about proper ornament placement. dont judge lol) and the semester is coming to a close. there is snow in the air, music on my radio, and i couldnt be happier.

i truly couldnt.

relief...

first of all, i want to thank you guys for your support and suggestions. you helped calm my nerves and didnt tell me i was crazy for being afraid. it helped a lot.

and, you were right! i have mild bell's palsy (me and george clooney), the doc hooked me up with some 'roids and i should be back to normal in a month or so.

phew.


currently i am baking two frigging delicous looking pumpkin pies (with brown sugar pecan topping!) and listening to the boy snore away on the couch. tomorrow i will be surrounded by friends, family and yummy food.

life is good : )

hope y'unz all have a happy thanksgiving! (as my gram would say lol)

why i hate making doctors appointments and why i (literally) feel like harvey dent...

ok. so since friday of last week i've been feeling like i have two faces.

not in a figurative way either.

...perhaps some background is necessary here.

for a few weeks now i've been having constant, daily headaches, jaw pain and facial twitches on my left side. i thought it was just stress, maybe i started grinding my teeth, or something. friday morning i woke up to find a completely new symptom; the left side of my mouth stopped moving and i was having trouble closing my left eye completely. it was fucking scary dudes. my mind went immediately to STROKE, holy fuck i had a stroke. luckily, i watch copious amounts of House and knew the components to the stroke test. slurred speech? nope. downturned lip? nope. numbness? nope. inability to hold my arms parallel to the floor? nope. thank fucking jesus.

my wonderful EMT fiance thinks its TMJ or something to do with the nerves connected to my jaw. tmj is usually easily treated, but i'm gonna be honest here, the most terrifying part for me is wondering if my face will be like this forever. if i'm always going to feel like a picasso painting. wondering if everyone is going to notice and ask what's wrong with me. terrified, y'all.

i have a doctors appointment tomorrow at 8 am (moangroan) to see whats the what. i am going through such intense anxiety right now. and heres the reason why i havent been to the denist since 2006. or why i was near death the last time i forced myself to go to the docs. why i'm a coward when it comes to the gyno or getting a mammogram. what if i go in, and they find something horribly life-alteringly awful. i would rather hide in ignorance.

but i'm going tomorrow. after fighting to gather the courage to make a call the last few days, i did it. it doesnt make me feel better. it makes me feel like my stomach is a black hole, lead balloon, anything really bad.

but i'm going. i am going. really really going.

i know, because raphael is driving me. so i cant flake out. (even though i want to more than anything in the world.)

i am going.

please god let them figure out whats wrong with me. and let it be treatable. please.

bitty baby steps...

i started tracking again today.

it's been a long ass while.


but i'm sick of zoning out when im eating, eating crap, and then pretending to be all confused when the scale puts up crazy fluctuating numbers.

this chick needs some structure back.


also, have you guys seen that show on tlc called "ton of love"? i have always been fascinated by all the tv shows about morbidly and supermorbidly obese people, but this one is different. not in a good way. other than one couple on the show, all the others seemed downright blase about the fact that their weight is seriously affecting their lives. there was one couple who had been trying to have a baby for years, but both of them were over 400 lbs. i thought it was common knowledge that obesity drastically cuts down your likelihood of getting pregnant and maintaining a healthy pregnancy. when the wife found out she had pcos, she almost didnt even connect part of it to the fact that she was obese. like it wasnt even a tiny factor. a big part of my motivation to lose weight is so that i have better chances of getting pregnant, lowering my risk of medical problems during pregnancy, and preventing pcos. it's a constant motivation. especially now that i'm engaged to the man i want more than anything to have children with. i would be downright terrified if i was 421 lbs and pregnant. so afraid of the complications that come with trying to carry a child and an extra 250-300 lbs of weight.

how do you guys feel about the different kind of aspects in shows like this? do you think it raises awareness or acceptance?

best. new. thing. ever. (and holiday prep)...

green bean crisps.

thats right. best new thing ever. my mama and i hit up bender's potato barn in chambersburg today before we braved the grocery store (to buy everything under the sun for a thanksgiving feast for 12 people....and also butter in the shape of a turkey. dont judge) and it was awesome. it was my first time there, and i'm pretty sure i fell in love. i love menonite/amish markets like crazy and this was no different. it was so cute, and had a huuuuuge selection of candies, baking goods, produce and all sorts of neat little gifties. well, one of the many many things that caught my eye was a little plastic container of green beans. crispy, dried, salted green beans. holy bejeesus. these are so fantastic. like a damn green bean potato chip.

like i said. new best thing ever.


speaking of thanksgiving, i'm starting to prep, schedule, plan and all the good stuff that keeps neurotic, perfectionist hostesses like my mother and i from losing our minds. part of that for me is planning ahead what to avoid, or what to only have a little bit of. for the healthy eaters, we're doing a hummus dip (sans oil) and pita chips/veggies. for the people who dont care, swiss cheese and onion dip (basically a greasy pile of cheese and onions that you spread on bread.) this crap is so good, but so damn greasy. i managed to almost completely ignore it at our christmas dinner last year, and had maybe one bread round with it on, and i was good for another year. people go nuts over this shit, but if it were up to me, i wouldnt have it on my menu. other than that, the usual spread, minus a few things that no one ever really touches anyway, and then piiiiieee! i have been waiting all damn year for pumpkin pie.

this year i'm baking and cooking a little extra for some friends of mine going through tough times. i know they'd be there for me if i needed it, and sometimes all you need to get through the holidays is to have a good friend feed you pie and give you a hug. i can definitely do that.

i always get this huge buzz going on during the holidays. this is my element. the hustle and bustle, the cooking, baking, friends and family, and just all the great things (and none of the bad) that come with the cold season. like christmas music in mid november. fuck yes. i heard Feliz Navidad (my favorite goddamn christmas song EVER) on the radio tonight and i just knew it was gonna be a good week. i can do this.

have a great holiday everyone!

fighting demons...

so my birthday weekend went pretty great. my dad took me out for dinner and drinks friday and i got to have a really relaxing couple days with people i love. minus a few rough patches.

like saturday...

i woke up late on saturday and ended up being lazy in bed finishing up reading the new book i had. for whatever reason, i was grumpy as shit. and it was pretty much all focused on raphael. the poor guy could not do anything right in my book. every time he called saying he was going to be late to pick me up, or whatever else, i bit his head off. when he did finally get to my house i was deep in a funk. i was snapping and arguing and he just kept asking me what was wrong (which is like the thing i hate to hear the most because it requires me to actually think about why i'm going crazy). as i'm trying to think it out and talk it out i just started crying and couldnt stop. i started shouting and crying and calling myself crazy. a lot of people might not know that since childhood  i have constantly been fighting a pair of demons known as Anxiety and Depression. they usually come in together and spur each other on and make me feel like i'm two people in one body.

about a week ago Mrs. Fatass bravely posted publicly about her struggles with anxiety. it made me realize that all those things inside me that i try to hide from people so that they think i'm "normal" really dont get hidden all that well. i've been struggling with anxiety about my weight, but the bulk of it is focused on school. i'm doing wonderfully, i have a great group of friends, and i just found out that i'll be graduating a semester earlier than i expected. but regardless of all the good, i still have a voice in my head telling me i'll fail. that i'm still not cut out for college. so i started missing the occasional class, having to make up an exam here or there, and fighting a losing battle with my sleep schedule. when i'm dealing with both anxiety and depression i get pulled and pushed between insomnia for days or sleeping for 18 hours a day. my advisor, who is also one of my professors, started to notice. when i missed the exam the other week, she called me out on it. she made me face my anxiety and made me realize that the mask i try to keep on isnt as effective as i think it is.

so all week long i've been aware of and actively trying to keep my anxiety at bay. but saturday night must have been my breaking point, because i let it all out. i gave my anxiety a voice and let it scream out all those hateful things that i tell myself. i opened the floodgates. and a funny thing happened. i heard myself saying these things that i make myself believe sometimes and i knew it was ridiculous. i knew it was a lie. i knew it was fear of failure and fear of disappointing others that bred all those ideas.

but most the most important thing, i let someone i loved in. i often exhaust myself trying to play pretend that everything in this head of mine is all hunky dorey. its not always. but it is so important to me that no one sees that side of me, because i dont want pity. i dont want people thinking im crazy. but i opened up a can of my craziest crazy that night, and you know what, he told me he loved me. that he loved me even more because i trusted him enough to be that real around him.

it broke the spell. and it felt so good. after i wiped the tears i felt so light. i felt like this burden didnt have to be mine alone anymore. i know that he'll be there for me and understand why i cry randomly or shut down for no reason. he's taking this journey with me now, he's picked up a sword and will be at my back the next time i go into battle, and it feels amazing.