weakness (and the strength you can find from admitting to it)

so here's me saying i'm not perfect y'all.

i completely surprised myself when i realized that all motivational crap i was using to fill space on here was just that. crap. i don't know if i was trying to convince you guys, or myself, but i was pretending.

i forgot to stay true to myself and be honest with myself. i started this blog for me. then people started to read and follow and i started censoring myself and tried with all my might to make this blog sound anything but whiny and emotional. or god-forbid, boring.

you know the old adage that the more you tell a lie, you start to believe it yourself? we'll thats what happened. i kept feeling shitty but i made it sound like i was hanging tough. but the more i tried to pretend, the shittier i felt about it.

i knew it was bad when i felt like i was letting my readers down before i felt like i was letting myself down.
so i just stopped writing. stopped pretending.
i needed to either live in my misery, or struggle through it.
i got to the point where i was ok with the idea of not blogging anymore. i think for the first time i understood why some people just up and disappear forever from the blogrolls. and i think i needed that. i needed to get to the point where going a month without blogging didn't make me feel guilty. or backsliding a bit didn't make me horrible. it just means i have be twice as strong to go back down the road to my goals instead of settling where i am.

i'm not going to force myself to be chipper or motivational for you guys, because i'm still trying to motivate myself. i'm still trying to believe my personal pep talks.

here's me admitting that i am, and was, weak.
and that makes me feel stronger.