the story is about Veronica, an iraqi war veteran who just got back and is having, shall we say, issues in returning to her everyday.
the show is awesome, you should watch it...i'm gonna.
you can find the first full episode on NBC.com, tvguide.com, and also hulu.com, my newest form of crack in HD
and can i just say michelle tratchtenberg is the cutest thing ever. here's a fun fact about erin g for ya'll. i'm a buffy the vampire slayer/joss whedon fanatic. yea, i said fanatic. i'm not ashamed of it. i own all 7 seasons on dvd and watch frequently. it kicks ass. but what was i talking about...oh yea, michelle tratchtenberg...she played on buffy and since the show has been off air, i've been missing seeing new stuff from her besides disney movies. and i refuse to watch gossip girl so i'm glad she's gonna be in on this new show.
jesus...nice thought soup there. maybe its the cough meds?
anyway...watch Mercy and help keep good tv on air.
current weight: 343.6
total loss: -6.4
down another pound this week. to be honest, i'm struggling not to be disapointed. it's not the number i wanted to see, but i know that i've been kicking ass in the gym and have been moving more this week than i have in a long time. now that i've got a gym/exercise routine started, i can focus on my eating again. i had a little slippage this week, not too much, but enough that i'm conscious of the choices i could have made instead. i'm pushing myself hard to achieve this first goal of 22 lbs. once achieved, my next goal will be much easier to attain.
week five goals-
-drink at least 4 (32 oz) bottles of water per day.
-track food and activity on fitday. (i decided to see how much of a difference it will make as opposed to just journaling foods but not nutrition)
-lose 3 lbs.
-get in at least 1 hour of gym/activity time per day.
-walk at least 5 days
alrighty...there's 5 reasonable and attainable goals for the next 7 days. i'm ready to get started.
mmm today for lunch i did a little bit of a change-up with my usual, and it definately paid off. i usually make a tostada for lunch (black beans, cheese, veggies) with a little sour cream, but today i had some chicken that needed to be cooked, so i grilled them up with some olive oil and blackening spices and then diced. i used less cheese and more beans, chicken and veggies and it ended up being positively packed with protien (over 50 grams!) and fiber. i was nicely full afterward and bursting with energy.
spaghetti and meatballs tonight at my mamas. i'm praying that i can contain myself. i've pre-tracked it, just so i have an idea of what i'll be eating and i think i'll be satisfied. here's hopin.
"You may have seduced me, chicken, but I DEFEATED your ass!!"
how did she do it? we asked her.
"well at first i was intimidated, but then i decided to use the fried chicken's weakness to my advantage. you see, underneath that nasty, deep fried layer, there lies some pretty bad-ass protein for the taking. i chose to create energy from my slip-up and totally burned up that gym!"
oh. yes. dammit.
about 3 months ago, my father moved back in with me. i had been living on my own in our family home for a year and a half. at that point i wasn't really trying to make many changes to the way i lived, ate, and moved but i was conscious of it. now, here's the rub. my father makes terrible food choices. pizza and beer several times a week. hot wings. more beer. generally anything fried, fatty or alcoholic he digs. then he came to me and said "Erin, i think we should get serious about getting healthy. start walking and cooking more and eating better." i thought "Awesome, this is just the extra motivation i needed!" and set down to making goals and menu planning and working out. but after a week or so...i was doing it on my own. there started to be a re-entrance of unhealthy food groups into our house. i got mad. i know that if i keep certain things out of the house, i don't even think about them.
so tonight, when my dad came home from the doctor's office, what did he bring home for his dinner? fried chicken and not one but 2 boxes of ice cream cones and ice cream sandwiches. and why? to cool him down. WHAT?! THE?! FUCK?! if you want to cool down you drink ice water or take a cool shower, or at the very least have a popsicle. he's making excuses to eat terribly. he uses his bed as a dining room. he lays in bed and eats all day and night long. i am seriously worried about him, but at the same time, i can't help but be enraged that he's bringing these things into the house. i've asked him more than once. i've asked him to bring home only a single portion for himself instead of several.
i had planned a very tasty and healthy chicken caesar salad for dinner. instead, the second i smelled the fried chicken, i wanted some. i fought it, hard. i even left the house for a while to try and get past it. but in the end, i decided that instead of foregoing the fried chicken and eating something else but still craving the stuff and bingeing later, i would have one piece along with some vegetables and leftover pasta from dinner last night. it was okay as far as dinners go. but i know that i have to weigh in tomorrow. i'm feeling anxious to go get in the gym. i want this out of my system NOW!
from now on...its over. i'm imposing a law. no more of that crap when i have spent precious time making menu plans and grocery shopping for healthy meals for both of us. if he wants to eat that junk...he can go for it. but i refuse to feel bad when his health problems decline even more because of it. i don't want it in my house anymore. ever.
so sayeth me. so i damn well expecteth it will be done.
::breathe in, breathe out:: ok. rant over.
in other news, while i was browsing blogs the other night, i came across this post on Tales of an Ordinary Life. the gist of it is that you make a list of 101 things/goals/activites you want to accomplish in 1001 days. created by Day Zero, the mission is to complete 101 preset goals in the 1001 day period (approx. 2.75 years). the tasks must be specific (no ambiguity) and the results must be measurable and require some amount of effort on your part.
since i'm an insane lover of lists, this appealed to me automatically. i decided to start working on MY list, tentatively because it is taking way longer to come up with 101 goals than i thought. currently i'm at about 40 or so. but it's a work in progress and one i'm definitely excited to do. once completed, i will post my list here for the world to see (or the random few followers and tagalongs i do have lol i love you all by the way :) )
also Tricia down at Fight Fat Phobia is having a giveaway! a whole big pile of awesome! but don't enter! i want!
alrighty y'all. i'm off to the gym to replace the fried chicken in my veins with adrenaline! raWR!
other than that i'm taking it pretty easy today. i'll probably hit the gym in a bit to get in some activity. work my arms and legs, maybe get in some yoga. nothing too strenuous, but i want to get out of the habit of working out one day and then not doing anything for a few days. i want to try and do some sort of fitness activity every day (i'm excluding the regular activity i get in every day; walking, housework, errands etc.)
i finally got the pics from sunday's lake outing uploaded. it was so so lovely up there.
gonna take me some nyquil and knock out for the night...
back to life tomorrow.
and today starts a new one...oi
my week in dinners goes as follows:
monday- coconut crusted tilapia, garlic pasta, and steamed veggies
tuesday- shrimp quesadillas
wednesday- chicken caesar salads
thursday- meatballs and spaghetti at my mothers...best fucking meatballs on the planet
friday- slow-cooker chicken curry, rice
saturday- stuffed pepper soup
sunday- leftovers a' la carte
i'll post recipes as the days go along!
-this blog for one, i've added some things, gotten rid of a few, and in all i think i'm shaping it up to look really great and not just another blog.
-myself; i've been really focusing on moving more, not necessarily working out more (though thats the next step) but generally just making sure i'm moving. i've been limiting my tv time, so i have more time and energy to dance around the house like a goof ball to my mp3 player on shuffle, more time to do projects around the house, and less time feeling like a lazy blob on the couch while i watch re-runs.
-my education; i've finally made some serious steps toward getting back to school. i hit sort of a wall and was feeling like a failure, but after some serious struggle and being an ass, i finally let someone help me. i felt like i had so much weight on my shoulders that i would suffocate, from how to pay for it and if i would ever find a major that i truly loved, but with actual work in the right direction i've managed to leave a lot of that weight behind. i'm starting to get pumped about school again instead of terrified. i just have to be ready to focusfocusfocus and i think for once i really will be able to.
as far as changing other things...i made a change to my menu for tonight and it was seriously for the better. i had been planning on making salmon fillets, but when i checked my reading list this morning i found a recipe that sounded amazing...
~Red Pepper and Salmon Quiche w/ Butter-Herb Crust~
this recipe is courtesy of Recipe Shoebox
this was seriously flipping good. i added salmon to the original recipe and it turned out amazingly. this was my first attempt at both cooking and eating quiche and it was definintely a winner. it was light and delicious and i served it with a caesar salad w/ light dressing and a quick, warm potato salad that i made from the leftover oven fries from last nights dinner and some fresh fruit. perfect perfect perfect.
~Creamy Herbed-Garlic Potato Salad~
1 medium russet potato, baked through and cubed
2 tbsp mayo (light or regular)
1 tsp lime juice
1/2 tsp garlic
liberal pinch of parsley (rosemary would work really nicely too)
stir together dressing ingredients until well mixed and then fold into potato cubes. voila!
(can be served warm or cold)
starting weight: 350
current weight: 344.6
i meant to go grocery shopping on sunday so i could make all the meals i planned for the week but i ended up not being able to until yesterday...so i'm starting my menu midweek.
the lineup is:
thursday: grilled honey-lime chicken sandwiches served with oven fries
friday: coconut crusted salmon w/ garlicky pasta and steamed veggies
saturday: veggie and turkey meatball soup (homemade...woo woo)
sundays i do breakfasts instead of dinners and just do a sort of leftovers a' la carte. we've got some farm fresh brown eggs and i'm thinkin a good scramble with veggies and cheese.
i'll post my weekly menu plans regularly and anyone who'd like the recipes is more than welcome to ask.
i'm still pumped though, i missed the last couple seasons due to a pretty crazy work schedule, so i'm gonna enjoy my free tuesday nights while i can.
does anyone else feel like its insane-o for people to lose upwards of 15 lbs. in a week? that just seems so crazy. totally unrealistic in a normal person's life. hell, i'm pumped if i lose 2 lbs. in a week. but then again i'm not spending 28+ hours a week in the gym, i don't have specially created meals made for me every day.
i must struggle on and celebrate my measly 2 lb. loss and dammit if i'm not going to be proud of myself for what i do get done.
unrealistic or not, it's still highly addictive tv. ha. i think it would be hilarious if they only showed biggest loser on the tv's at gyms. then no one will be sitting on their fat asses while watching, they'd be moving their fat asses.
so i had to play nursemaid today and fuck if i didn't get way tired of it after the first few trips up the stairs. my dad is sick all the time. it's because he eats like crap, drinks all the time and never follows through with anything health or fitness related. i weigh almost 100 lbs. more than him and i don't have half the health problems. the man was in the marines and national guard for god's sake. he keeps saying how we should work together on getting healthy and yet one day after we actually start making progress, he holes up in bed claiming fever. the only time he managed to haul his ass out of bed was to go to the kitchen for food. he laid in bed ALL flipping day. he even called me on the house phone from his cell phone because apparently he couldn't yell loud enough to make me hear. it was pathetic, but i have to admit, going up and down the stairs all day got my blood flowing a bit.
thats my little whiny rant for the day...thanks very much lol
anyone got any ideas on how to motivate family members to get off their asses?
i'm in this moment where i have so much i could do, and yet...i really don't want to. then i complain cause i'm bored. it makes no fucking sense.
i suppose i shall work on my to-do list...
didn't get anything on my list done, but i did knock out a 2 mile walk tonight...so i'm gonna say woo hoo.
goodbye monday! see you next week!
i feel disgusting. not emotionally. emotionally i know what i did, i acknowledge it and have moved on, but my body feels super-ick.
live and learn.
fuck that rules. it's the evidence i wanted to prove to myself that what i'm doing can actually work. not that i can't feel the evidence, and i feel amazing, but that number going down is so great.
i'm seriously excited today. today started out on the crap side, but now, oh man. it defininetly helps.
ok...time for an intervention. my name is erin gunnett and i am addicted to shopping.
my surprise windfall put in me an incredibly strong urge to shop. the internet makes it so easy to just go wild. that and i found my credit card today. (backstory: i hid it. apparently really well. i think i need to hide it again) cut to hours later i've got a massive shopping cart (over $100) and a frantic desire to complete checkout. as i was trying to sign-in to the sites checkout feature, i got a message. my session timed out...? huh? never had that before. after like...20 tries, i took it as devine intervention.
now, to my credit, since i lost my job i've only done one mini shopping binge so it's not like i'm blowing all my money all the time. but i've been a compulsive shopper for years, and for much of the same reasons that i became a compulsive eater. shopping gives me a rush. a big big rush. even wal-mart isn't safe for me...in fact it could be worse there because i can get more things for less than at other places. things i rarely use or wear. i try to pretend my bills don't exist. i think i try to convince myself i'm not broke by spending the money i have (and sometimes what i don't have...hello credit!) i'm not in massive debt, but enough to make my life difficult. i pay off a little on a credit card and hey! shopping spree. online shopping is like heroin. i'm on one shopping site or another at least once a day...usually way way more. i've managed to slake my hunger for shopping by creating wish list after wish list. its almost like shopping, only you never spend the money and never get the stuff. you do waste a shitload of time though.
so today was a shock. i almost blew money i don't have. again. a lot of it. so i'm fighting back.
-i'm going to challenge myself to go a month and a half without going to an online store. no more browsing. no more wish-listing. for a month and a half.
-i'm going to also control my shopping and browsing at wal-mart and restrict it only to things i absolutely need (i.e. groceries).
-i'm freezing my credit cards. literally. covering the numbers and everything.
-also...no more take-out, fast food or impulse buying. i'm exempting restaurants, because sometimes you just gotta go out. but when i do, it's going to be somewhere worth it.
-i think i'm also going to look into shopaholics anonymous. it could be benefitial.
i just have to keep an extra conscious eye on my eating habits. i shop emotionally the same way i eat, and usually when you starve one hunger, it intensifies another.
anybody else struggle with this? any tips on fighting it? anyone have any crazy shopping binge stories?
i've had this pile of mail from the last month or so that i've been trying to avoid opening...cause really, who wants to open bills when you're dirt broke? not me. with a sigh i sat down and started ripping envelopes (half tempted to just rip them in half and pretend i didn't get them). i opened a credit card bill...sigh. i opened a hospital bill...sigh. and then i opened what i thought was junk mail and i almost peed myself when i pulled out...A CHECK FOR 300 BUCKS! what the who? how? what? apparently they decided to pay me my profit sharing from my old job, even though i lost my job before the end of the quarter. and to think i almost threw it away! holy yea! to go from no money to whoa money is a head rush. and i'm struggling not to go on a spending spree. but then i remember...sigh...bills, car repair, blah blah.
oh well, i'm not stupid enough to tempt the fates and not appreciate a surprise windfall so i'm going to enjoy the brief security of money in the bank. add in a couple big nanny gigs this week and i'm relatively rolling in it this week lol
in other news...i decided to make a list of goals, mini and long term, for myself. some of those are:
-walk or work out every day for a month
-Woo! Birthday Challenge! lose 22 lbs by my 22nd birthday in november. it might be a bit ambitious, but i'm gonna give it a go.
-complete each level of my Bootcamp DVD
-hit 250 by November 5, 2010 (my 23rd)
-hit 200 by May 5, 2011
-hit 175 by November 5, 2011 (my ulitmate goal)
i think these are decent goals, but i'm not going to be depending my happiness on the number or if i don't make the dates. it's just something to keep in mind and keep me motivated. i would absolutely love to hit my goal before my 25th birthday.
i've got a working list of fun rewards as well including some pampering, clothes, tattoos and other junk i might want real bad at the time lol.
it wasnt until i realized a woman's body is made up of many shapes, and to try and become a cookie cutter woman was impossible, that i did have a woman's body. it was me shaped. i'm made up of a collection of shapes. i'm made up of colors. textures. perfections and flaws. all women are differently shaped, and while we should be celebrating our shapes, improving when we can, and accepting when we can't, we constantly focus on the shapes of other women. not even identical twins have the same exact body. why on earth should we try to force our bodies into someone elses shape? it's crazy.
and then i remembered. she's not alive. i am. i live and breathe and think and emote. i love and laugh and bitch and date. barbie's got a dream life, because it's made up.
it's so crazy, the things we compare ourselves to. to anorexic models who strain as they paint smiles and features of contentment on their faces. to pictures in magazines that rarely show truth. to flipping barbie dolls.
think of the person you think you would be if you were perfect and thin, how that person would act. how would she treat people around her? how would she treat herself?
now imagine yourself as a woman whose beauty and body are made up of her best and worst qualities. her quirks. her inconsistencies. her complexities.
are they the same person? can we be happy being the women we are?
i think we can. i encourage you to try.
sunday we went upstate to visit my family. my pap just got out of the hospital for his third heart surgery in the last year and a half. another family member is in the hospital and failing badly. my brother is getting ready to go back to school. a lot of things around me are shaking up. and i'm scared.
my automatic reation to things i'm afraid of is to eat. and eat. and then panic and immediately try and diet. but i've committed myself to taking care of myself and lose weight. hopefully at the same time.
on the way home from altoona we stopped at a chinese buffet for dinner. i was hungry. but i was also terrified. i couldn't control myself. i would eat the whole buffet. then i'd eat the chafing dishes. the crappy plastic chairs. bamboo plants. i'd eat and eat until i'd eaten the world.
but i faced it. i took a plate. browsed the dishes. i chose my favorites. i sat down. i thought about how hungry i was and how good i knew the food would be. how good it looked. i also knew i've got a problem with stuffing myself in this kind of situation. i started to eat quickly, like i was afraid someone would see me eating at a buffet and think i was disgusting. then i started to see other people around me and i thought, god, how disgusting they all are. i stopped tasting the food and started cramming it down as fast as i could.
and then i stopped. i remembered that i was hungry. that there is nothing wrong with feeding your body when it is hungry. that there is nothing wrong with eating food that i like.
i kept flip flopping between confidence and utter fear.
to be honest, i didn't go insane. i didn't eat ten plates of fried rice and lo mein and sweet and sour chicken and egg rolls. but just the thought of accepting that it was ok for me to eat the three fried wontons i got terrified me. but when i looked at what i actually got, there was nothing terribly bad with it. i had white rice, a favorite of mine. i had delicious, crisp, bright green beans. i had a scoop of coconut sauteed shrimp and a scoop of general tsos. everything was tasty and i was satisfied.
i went back for a bit more, even though i wasn't hungry anymore. terror again. i imagined every eye in the restaurant on the fat girl going back for seconds. seconds!? who did i think i was. obviously i didn't need it. good god, how selfish, how disgusting. i imagined the asain waitresses talking about me in a language i can't pretend i can't hear. i walked with my eyes down. i got a plate. got tiny tiny portions, as if i was being judged. that somehow i would trick everyone into thinking i didn't want to pile my plate high.
when i got back to the table and realized i had gotten exactly the amount i wanted. and if i wanted to pile my plate high, i could. but i didn't want to. i wasn't hungry for the amount i got, and i regretted it later when i felt too full for the rest of the night, but it told me something about the way i treat myself and the way i imagine others are thinking of me.
after my chinese buffet freak out, i spent the next few hours in massive anxiety. i needed to go on a diet. STAT. this whole eating what i want is bull. i could lose weight so much faster on weight watchers. i need the structure. i can't be trusted to make my own decisons.
but then...the anxiety went away. i ate what i wanted the next day. i made good choices, because i wanted to, not because i was afraid of gaining weight. i started feeling better. i realized that the structure was what i relied on in the past to take the responsibility off of myself. i needed a second-party disicpline system that required no thought. i realized i could handle this myself. i realized this because i can feel how great i feel inside. it may not be as noticeable on the outside, but i'm taking care of myself. i'm taking care of my body, nourishing it, loving it with the way i treat it. over the past few weeks i've felt so amazing.
but the fear is still there. the fear that i'll fail. that i'll sabotage everything. that i'll stay fat forever. my judgements on myself and my projected judgements from the people around me at the restaurant on sunday were a reflection of my inner anger and fear. it translated itself into a familiar scene and reaction. but instead of letting that be the end of it, i'm facing it. i'm letting myself experience the fear and anger and anxiety and dealing with it without food. sometimes it's easier to deal with after a binge. i'm ok with that too. but i'm acknowledging the binge. i'm storing in my mind the situations and triggers that send me to the fridge, or the store in a blind panic. i'm giving myself the tools to deal with my emotions the next time. i can make a conscious decision do try and heal with food or i can make a decison to take a time-out and deal. and it's empowering. to know i am in control with how i deal with situaitons and emotions that would normally incapacitate me. i am strong. i am amazing.
this ride...its exhilerating. and terrifying. :)