moment of truth...

okay.

tomorrow is it. day one of my scale-less month. this means i'll be weighing in 2 days earlier than normal.

i am actually scared.

i've been eating really well. staying well within (and frequently below) my calorie goals.

but something in my head has been making me obsess over the scale. i've been weighing myself sometimes 5 times a day for the past 3 days or so. i haven't EVER done this. i've been number obsessed in the past, but something about going 30 days without looking at the scale is telling me that i can't handle it. some scared part of my subconscious thinks i'm going to go off the deep end without having that scale every thursday to keep me in check.

what the fucking fuck?

knowing this about myself, knowing i've been thinking and feeling this for days without truly understanding what it was about has made me all the more determined to face this fear and just fucking do it.

my weight has been up (by more than i would have though possible) every time i "peek". i don't know if it's a true gain, but i know now that seeing that higher number only fueled the obsessive compulsions to weigh myself and also the feelings of fear.

so whether i'm scared or not, tomorrow morning, i'm getting on that damn scale. i'm getting my shred dvd in the mail tomorrow afternoon, and i'm just gonna do it. no. matter. what.


here's to the next 30 days people.



oh gawd.

weigh-in/ thanksgiving recession style

happy thanksgiving to my fellow 'Mericans and happy thursday to ev'rybody else :)

i started out my day with a great weigh-in!

starting weight: 350
current weight: 332.4

weekly loss: -2.4

total loss: -17.4

i've lost one of these bad boys so far!

fuck yea! i'm exactly halfway to my 10% goal folks. mmhm.






but then for breakfast...doughnuts.
not just one...
i'm too ashamed to say how many. just know...there was carnage. sugary donut death.

i managed to wipe the glaze off my face, dust off the powdered sugar, and pull myself together.

then i moved the hell on.

later, we had to stop by the grocery store for some dinner stuff on the way to the train station, and we managed to create a decent feast for only $20. everything else we had or made do with something similar. bargain!

our little roaster chicken in lieu of a big ole turkey

simple. necessary.

my famous fresh corn and red pepper cornbread stuffing!

feast?! lol can you tell how much i love me some side dishes?

fresh cranberry, apple and orange relish

our mini punkin pies! 60 cents each and cuter'n hell!

so with another thanksgiving past, i'm thankful for-

-my bro being able to come home early

-sharp knives

-cheap wine

-fresh fruits n' veggies

-a sturdy oven (though God, if you're listening, theres not much i wouldn't do for some sexy double ovens)

-mashed potatoes with lotsa garlic and herbs

-knowing my family is safe and healthy

-and food coma bliss coupled with the relief that comes with knowing my weigh-in is done with till next week.

need a challenge?

so as thursday draws nearer, i can't help but feel a bit nervous. i've done pretty well this week, but i did fantastic last week and lost next to nothing. i've got serious fingers crossed.

i'm not sure if ya'll caught my last post, for some reason it posted with a completely different time stamp and didn't show up on my own reader, so i'll recap.

sucky weigh-in. moving on.

i'm setting myself some new challenges and i wanted to know if youse guys wanted to join me in in busting ass to start '10 a little lighter and with goals achieved.

i want to go scale-less for the month of december. i want to see if it will be easier to focus on feeling good and getting things done without obsessing about 3 little digital numbers.
my challenge will start on dec. 1st in the a.m., when i will post pictures of my weight on the scale. i'll hide my scale away where i'm not tempted to pull it out and take a quick "peek". on jan 1st in the a.m. i will weigh-in and take an "after" photo.

wanna play along at home? if i can get a few chicks (and dudes, too...im an EqualOpportunityChallengesetter) i'd like to propose a giveaway to award to the person who loses the most weight by the challenge end date. i haven't yet decided what it'll be, but i'll have a better idea of what to give by who i can get to sign up! i'll call it the official December Scale Boycott challenge. eh? lol i'm open to other suggestions too.

i'd also like to set a fitness challenge for myself (and for anyone else who wants to challenge themselves) i want to log 45 miles either walking or biking by january 10th. my motivation is to be able to hike my way up and down the walkways at my college campus (which is on a friggin mountain) and i'd like to replace about 20 lbs of ass with a fat backpack of books.

wanna join me? if yes, leave me a comment saying so or email me directly. i'll set an official roster on dec. 1st.

rock. it. out...

have you ever looked back at something you've done and just wondered who exactly the fuck hijacked your body?

thats me, thinking about the kickassitude i built up and maintained this week. even when i did weight watchers and was hardcore dieting i never did this well without feeling like it was a homework assignment i was pretty sure i wasn't gonna hand in.

i tracked. everything. everyday.
i got in some serious activity at least 3 days this week. not that silly
"i walked up the stairs a lot today" bullshit.
my eating was fucking on point 7 out of 7 days.

and the best part?

i was really, and i mean *really* happy this week. i haven't felt this honestly good since...god, for a long fucking time.

i've got my shit together. for reals together.
i'm going up to Penn State tomorrow to sign up for my spring semester. and for the first time since even before i graduated from high school have i actually felt ready and seriously pumped about school. not pumped about paying for it, but what the fuck can ya do.

lol even after writing all this, i still have this "who am i?" feeling. did someone slip uppers into my water bottle?


psh...i don't even care. i'm gonna riiiiide it. :)

back on track...

ahh...




it feels so good to have my focus back.



the past five days have been great. i've kept on track, stayed within my calorie goals while still letting myself have a treat or two. i've also tracked my intake every day since thursday (which sadly is a personal best for the past 6 months or so lol) i've realized that if i'm going to stick with it, i have to make it into a regular habit. and to do that, i have to be willing to take the time to do it every day. also to be honest with myself and not try to pretend i didn't eat something if i did.

lol my fitday account is probably shitting itself wondering who the heck is logging stuff like they're supposed to. since i started using that site, i've only used it to log my weight and calculate my basic calorie guidelines and restrictions. now i'm really putting it to use, and i have to say i'm pretty proud of myself. to look at the log and see 5 whole days in a row rather than 1 or 2 every few weeks. sad, that is.



i've also employed a few tricks to keep myself focused...

-keeping the pantry door closed so i'm not looking in at all the snacks every time i go into the kitchen
-keeping the kitchen light off in the evening so i'm not tempted to go wandering in there for food when i'm bored
-drinking only one glass of non-water beverages a day
-eating my highest calorie meal for breakfast or lunch so that i can burn it off rather than carbo-loading a few hours before bed when i'm at my least active
-leaving my computer downstairs instead of taking it to my bedroom to avoid watching movies on netflix instead of getting well needed sleep
-brushing my teeth after each meal to reduce cravings


hmm. wow...i didn't realize how much i was actually doing to stay focused on my goal. that makes me feel kind of...excited. like i'm putting in a real effort without feeling like its a big hassle or forcing myself to do it.

now i just have to put in more work on the fitness front. i haven't been doing terribly with it, but enough to make me realize i'm still slacking. i have plenty of opportunities to get in exercise during the day, so i have to take advantage of them, cause there's no point in just letting them pass by and then bitching that i'm not seeing the numbers i want on weigh-in day.

i'm pumped to see what kind of results i'll see on the scale on thursday...

all i needed was a reboot...

yesterday i sat down in my kitchen and thought about what i really wanted. for myself. for my life.

losing focus is a habit for me. one i've fallen back into time and time again. it happens with my weight loss, it happens with school, friends, projects, you name it. and what's more, no matter how often, i let it go on much longer than it ever should. i'm holding myself back, and for what? i have this fear, this...nightmare really, that i'm not just fooling everyone else, but myself. that i'm already a failure, so why not just let myself fail. it's this leftover defense mechanism from a childhood that was far from dreamy. don't put yourself out there, don't trust, don't give your heart away, don't try.

i've turned down opportunities, amazing opportunities...out of fear.

no more.

i have the tools and the strength within myself to take on my world, to follow my ambitions, no matter how far reaching.

all i needed was a good system crash. to help me see the junk i've been letting in my life, in my mind and heart. things that were letting me feel like it was okay to be satisfied with sub par. i'm worth more than that. i deserve to be the woman hiding inside the scared little girl.


so this is my rededication. to myself and to everything i want to achieve, be it weight loss or finally finding a major i love and a career path i can be proud of. a me i can be proud of.

adventures in bingeing.....

holy binge eating, batman...

what did i do this week?!

i don't know what came over me at times, but i know it wasn't anything that had weight loss in mind.

birthday cake...
margaritas and chips/tuscan spinach dip...
halloween candy...
ice cream...
pizza...

all i can say is thank god i didn't go on a fast food kick. but frankly...compared to binges i've gone on in years past, i'm just glad this occured over a week's worth of time instead of one weekend, or hell, one day. i know i didn't do all bad this week. i had a few healthy meals, pretty decent activity at least 4 days out of 7, and plenty of water, no sodas or massive amounts of snacking. just some out of touch moments of bad choices mixed in with some emotional eating.

there are of course, a few choice excuses i could employ. TOM, birthday celebrating, etc. but i'm not gonna. the calorific malcontents are out of the house and i'm ready to do work next week. i have a goal to reach and i have to prove to myself that i'm willing to put in the effort to make it.

i'm still flip-flopping on making a decision on whether or not i will be weighing in tomorrow, as i usually don't weigh in on TOM weeks. i may do it anyway...sort of as a visual way of acknowledging and taking responsibility for my choices this week.

wish me luck, bloggers...i need to get back on my feet and my mind on my goal.

update...

apologies for the serious lack in posts, i've just really been sort of...out of things to blog about for the moment.

though i did wanna talk about my weekend fun...

my friend dani and i hit up TGIfridays for drinks and munchies (in which i did partake shamelessly).

tip though...don't go out drinking BEFORE you plan on trying on jeans...lets just say there was some....frustration.

here's some of my shopping spree loot

cream v-neck sweater: $30

gorgeous dark blue denims*: $40

studded animal print flats: $10

embellished leather flats: $40

i also stocked up on some of my favorite old navy t-shirts in white and dark grey, and found a cute slouchy tank for layering in wine for $1.50!

aaand i picked up my traditional birthday caramel apple. its a yearly must...indeed.

* a little story about those PERFECT lovely new jeans. so the pair i tried on fit nearly perfectly (i'm pretty sure the margaritas and appetizers had SOMEthing to do with that), but they had a stain on the leg and the button was loose in its setting. now, i never buy "projects". i expect the clothes i buy to be ready to wear. i went out of the dressing room after trying on all my selections (of which there were many, but none really called out to me), i grabbed another pair, in the same size (trust me, i ALWAYS check) and headed to the register. happy customer, no?
later, at home i'm taking off tags, lovingly putting away my new purchases, and i decide to try on the jeans again. imagine my surprise when i had to fight to get them all the way up, let alone the battle it took to get them buttoned. there was something WAY wrong. so on a hunch i measured the waistband. it's an entire 4 inches smaller than the same size jeans i wear now that are too BIG! now, i know the ones i tried on fit amazingly. this means they sewed the wrong size tag into a size 24 jeans. AND LEFT IT THAT WAY!!!!! i am beyond pissed. i bought these with the sole purpose of being able to wear cute jeans NOW. now 2 sizes from now. grrrrrrr.

has this ever happened to you guys?

happy birthday....

to me :)

today was threatening to be iffy..but it turned out pretty great.

i baked a cake...

then indulged in some pampering. i got a conditioning treatment, a supercute haircut, and a muuuch needed eyebrow wax.

manicure tomorrow, then drinks and some serious retail therapy on saturday.

oh. yes. can't wait.

birthday weigh-in/ stats update/ new goals

starting weight: 350

current weight: 335.4

weekly loss: -1.8

total loss: -14.6

ah! so close to 15 it's killing me!!!

ok, let's do a stats update...

total bmi points lost: -2.2

inches lost:

-waist: -4

-hips: -3

-thighs: -2.5

-calves: -.5

-chest: -4.5

-bicep: -.5

so in reaching my initial goal deadline, i find myself in need of a new goal. i've decided to set my new goal for hitting a 10% loss by New Years Eve. that's 20.4 lbs in 8 weeks. its a bit steep and i'll have to work really hard for it, but i have to believe i can do it. i've come this far.

perfect days...

i just happened to have one today.



or very very near perfect.

i got 8 hours of sleep, woke up ready to have a great day. fullll of energy. the kid and i had serious fun, plenty of activity. i got a TON of housework done; laundry, dishes, etc. made some money, got some money in the mail....yup one hell of a productive day.

i did have a perfect day eating-wise.

nutrigrain bar- 7:30 a.m.
1 egg on 2 slices of toast w/ cheese- 8:30 a.m.
strawberry yogurt- 12 p.m.
romaine salad w/ 4 oz. grilled chicken,
fat free croutons, peppercorn dressing. apple- 3 p.m.
2 small salmon cakes, green beans, 1/2 c. oven potatoes w/ 1 tbsp garlic mayo- 6:30 p.m.

lots of water, little snacking, healthy portions, all food groups covered...sounds damn near perfect to me.

i'm also planning on reading for a little bit and in bed by 11.

here's to more "perfect" days....