oh yes indeed!...

woo yea...
who kicked ass and committed herself to working out? mmhm...its me. annnd...i did the whole program without stopping. even rocked some push-ups and jumping jacks. (big girl jumping jacks, by the way...hilarious and grossly fascinating...like a clown car wreck)

i managed to have a really great day of meals as well. breakfast was a bit sad, but i didn't have much for breakfast stuff. lunch was yummy. dinner was flipping fantastical. i made a venison tenderloin with a delicious glaze (recipe posted below), cheesy rice and steamed green beans. it was so so good.

and...i've gotten some more babysitting gigs, thank god, so i'll be getting some cash. i'm wicked broke and it's frustrating me like crazy. not having a job is driving me slowly out of my gourd.

downside for the week? my car decided to manifest it's hate for me and die completely and without reason. now i have to negotiate rides like i'm 16 years old except my car sits in the driveway and stares in the window mocking me. it says, "don't you wish you loved me more and abused me less now?" my poor baby, i do indeed, but if you don't start soon you may end up scrap metal. cash for clunkers mean anything to you? eh?

Tasty Glaze For Beef, Veal or Pork
-1 c. tomato chilli sauce
-3 tbsp. worchestsire sauce
-1 tbsp. honey (sage or clover)
-2 tsp. dried sage
-3 tsp. dried parsley

-Mix all ingredients well (add more or less of any ingredient to taste. i don't really measure them, just kind of go by taste)
-Coat meat with most of the glaze and bake at 350 degrees for 50 mins.
-Spread remaining glaze over meat and broil for 3-8 minutes.

makes a saucy, slightly crispy, tasty topping for most meats! yum!


rediscovering my inner workout goddess/cooking like old mother hubbard...

man oh man.
i decided to finally make myself get back into a workout routine and i kicked major ass at it today. i got a ton of sleep and was all geared to go. i did some weights and stuff in the gym and then did level one of the Biggest Loser Boot Camp dvd.

i never did the whole thing before, but i pushed myself and didnt let myself quit and i got 25 out of 30 minutes knocked out. it combines cardio, weights, yoga, and lots of other fun, sweaty nastiness. i felt so ramped up and energized afterward, it was awesome.

the other part of my day was despairing over my poor poor empty cupboard. i risked food poisoning to make some chicken salad from canned chicken over a year past date. i did some research first just in case and what i found said it would be fine. thank god, cause i'm about out of everything edible. it's kind of fun attempting to make healthy meals out of my bare bones supplies.

i made this wicked good noodle dish from ramen noodles, frozen peas and corn, and venison tenderloin slices. i added half the seasoning packet and some ground red pepper flakes to the meat i browned in a pan, then added half a cup of water and the veggies. once the noodles were tender i added them to the pan and simmered the whole deal until the liquid was reduced. it was so so delicious. and super cheap.

i'm crying out for cereal and fruits and fresh veggies. but this does seem to be a pretty great way to not only finally use up stuff i've had forever and to curb my compulsive and emotional eating/snacking habits.


my life in lists...

surfing around the internet the other night i found fitday.com, a sort of free weight watchers type journaling/tracking site. since it offers a free version of the program, i decided to sign up and see what it might have to offer. it seems a little intense, but i think i'm just going to use it as a place to record my day-to-day food journals and possibly some advice when i need it.

though to be honest i have a bit of a fetish with keeping written journals and notebooks. for years i've been what my family calls a "list-maker". my mom and i have both kept notebooks upon piles of notebooks for years of to do lists and journals and what not. i dunno, there's just something cathartic about writing down with pen and paper the thoughts in your head. i'm one of those "out of sight out of mind" people and also a champion procrastinator, so lists and journaling always keep me more in track.

as far as my day to day, i've been eating a definitely more balanced day's worth of food along with trying to get a regular amount of sleep and get my sleep schedule back to a good place. other than that i've been trying to get myself back into an exercise routine.


there are no quick fixes...

in today's world full of fast fixes, convenience, and excess, people take little or no responsibility for what we do to and put into our bodies. when we finally have to confront the consequences of bad decisions, more often than not we tend to look for the easist way. in my personal opinion all the diet fads, surgeries and what all just seem like the latest crop of quick fixes to avoid feeling at all responsible for our own bad habits. it frustrates me so bad that as a whole society we take so little responsibility for our actions and then take advantage of a big problem to make beaucoup bank with the latest diet trick or fad. making changes that you can stick with for life is the only way to truly make an effective difference.

just for the record, i'm not putting down bypass or plastic surgery or dieting for other people. if it's something someone wants to do, i say go for it. just to be aware of the possibilities. personally, i've tried my fair share of stupid diets and shit and seen what they can and can't do and have thus developed an opinion. any one person can have any one opinion. i'm just sharing my point of view.

when i was twelve, my mother sat me down and told me i should think seriously about weight loss surgery. at the time i was doing weight watchers and trying so hard to please everyone but me. i was just...crushed. i was confused and seriously low in the self-esteem department. that experience has kind of colored my opinion about gastric bypass and weight loss surgeries. in a bad way. that and the major trend i've seen in that industry over the years haven't helped it out much.

i see the gaunt faces and sagging bodies of post-bypass patients and can't help but think that they look so sad and unsatisfied. they think that if they could only be thin, they'd be happy. but i just can't see it. they fix the physical issue but do nothing to deal with the psychological and emotional issues that go along with every weight problem. i've known a few people that have had it done, and usually something like two out of three gain it all back, often and then some. the only thing that gets changed is amount of food that can be crammed in at the time. it doesn't teach a person how to understand the connection between mind and heart and body and hunger. i once knew a chick who had gastric bypass, and within six months she was bingeing like no one's business. the difference? because of the size of her stomach it took her three times as long to get it over with. which only prolonged the problem and made it bigger and harder to see at the same time. when she suddenly looked in the mirror and saw that she'd gained more than half the wieght she'd lost back, she was devastated and really couldn't understand how it happened.

plastic surgery can have the same song and dance. lipo, for example, sucks out the offending fat cells, but what it doesn't suck out are the feelings and stressors that trigger shitty eating and drinking habits. Dr. David Haslam, chairman of the national obesity forum, said liposuction is not an obesity treatment, rather a purely cosmetic procedure. "All it does is take away the subcutaneous fat under the skin, whereas the dangerous fat is deep under the skin around our abdomens and waists." (for more about liposuction click here)

crash dieting can bring more disaster than success, too. in high school i went through this major diet phase. i lost and gained probably something like 100 lbs. fed up with constantly restriciting and depriving myself, fed up with being hungry all the time and not loving myself or being able to even notice what success i did make, i just started eating. and eating and eating. everything and anything, all the time.

by the time i graduated i weighed 300 lbs. i was insane with hating myself. so i just decided to stop. stop dieting forever. and i haven't dieted since. i gained plenty of weight, but i also learned a lot about myself. i learned that when i focus on more in my life than just the way i looked, i actually accomplished things.

quick fixes offer a path of least resistance and the least amount of effort. and this is not to say i don't dream sometimes of waking up one morning and suddenly being a size 10, but it's just not plausible. happiness and a healthy self image (on the inside and outside) take hard work and the long long road.


the beautiful human machine...

have you ever stood in front of the mirror and just...jiggled your fat? ever laid in bed and pinched a fat roll? chicks with every body type punish themselves for the way we don't look, but i think some of us punish ourselves overtime. we beat ourselves up, ourselves names and ridicule the body we have.

sometimes i get out of the shower and just stare in loathing at my belly or thighs. i look in the rear view mirror and curse my full cheeks and round face. when i'm out shopping i undress with my back turned.

god, why do we do this? we make ourselves unacceptable in our minds constantly and hardly ever take into consideration just how amazing our bodies can be. we focus only on the negative, the flaws, but these bodies that we curse and hate are so...alive. they move us. they breathe and talk and cry. they let us earn our livings, feel the seasons and wrap our arms around a friend or brother, lover, dog, pillow. we think. we create. without our bodies we wouldn't exist.

whenever i find myself hating on my body pretty harshly i try to get back in touch with what it is i love about myself. i remind myself how my eyes shine honey gold in the sun. i think of the things that make me, me.

the thing is...you have to take care of yourself. take care of your body. and that doesn't mean cram it with health food or slave in the gym. i can lose weight by cursing the way my stomach moves, torture my body at the gym for hours and never let myself enjoy my food. i could lose weight that way. but i guarantee you in 6 months, six weeks, 6 days down the line i'd be hiding in the kitchen sneaking food and sabotaging myself when all i needed was to enjoy being alive, being me, laughing and playing and smiling. i'm a daughter, a sister, a woman, crazy, quirky, smart, funny and i've got a hell of a lot more going for me than just the flaws i see in the mirror.

a little about moi...

'lo all

thought i'd tell you a little about me

my name is erin. i'm 21. i'm a student at Penn State majoring in Human Development and Family Studies. i love history and bad jokes, movies, books and fashion. i love cooking, baking, most colors of the rainbow, cursing like a sailor and generally enjoying the various vices and deadly sins while attempting to be a responsible grown up. it's an adventure, for sure.

food has been a big part of my life for a long time. at first, i imagine it was a case of two parents who'd grown up with very little trying to give their firstborn all they never had much of, including food.
as i got older and family drama unfolded, it became a comfort, a security blanket that was always readily available.
then it turned to an addiction, a shame-faced game of hide and seek from myself and everyone around me.
i've struggled with this for the better part of the last 10 years. once i was living on my own it became less hiding and unraveled to just plain bingeing, but it was like this two way thing. this sort of double life controlled by food. by day i was health conscious, some evenings, too. but the second i slipped up, i experienced such guilt and disgust that i just quit. it was this constant struggle.

i've finally gotten to the point where i had to sit myself down and say, "look, you're either going to have to accept your body and health the way it is, or DO something about it."
so, here goes, i'm at it again. only this time i'm committing myself to NOT dieting. i'm not depriving myself, not forcing myself to do things, but i am taking a more conscious role in my relationship with hunger, food, and nourishing my body. in myself. observing. i want to see what exactly goes on in my day and brain that triggers bad eating habits and how to recognize motivators for good ones.

right now i'm in kind of a limbo. i've been unemployed now since april, for the first time since i started working. it's thrown this funky weirdness all up around me. on one hand, i don't make much money from my nanny gigs, so i'm not fast-fooding it every night, but i'm also stressing about money and that triggers me to blow the money i DO have on food.

ha. some of my comfort foods are mac and cheese, root beer, dove chocolate ice cream, wendy's cheeseburgers and pizza. but honestly, if i'm in a binge state of mind i'll pretty much shove anything in my face.
the other day i binged on sugar free orange jello. the thing i have to keep reminding myself of is that it wasn't that it happened to be practically calorically zero, i was still eating to try and fill a hole that was emotional and not physical.
that's the thing about food. it gets digested, which makes it a pretty bad choice for filling emotional potholes.

so in order to stay more conscious of my food choices and the reasons for them, i've started keeping a food diary. i'm tracking what i'm eating, the time of day, and on a scale of 1-10 how hungry i am. i'm not counting points, i'm not measuring to the milligram. just on a visual level, taking note of what i put in my mouth.

now, i've done food diaries for years on and off with Weight Watchers and other programs, but 1) i can barely afford enough groceries and gas not to die; let alone $50 a month, and 2) i'm done tracking points, done driving myself crazy with trying to eat all of my points, or not eat so many or whatever.
don't get me wrong, WW is amazing and i've had some great results with them. but the truth is, you can do it on your own. you need a support system, yes, but that's attainable. you don't need to shell out half a thousand dollars per year to get it.
but the truth of it is, i got on the scale this morning and realized i'd lost almost 10 lbs in the last two weeks or so, just making tiny changes. it kind of set off this wacky energy. mania more like. i've experienced this particular kind before, right before i start blowing merry bushels of cash on health food and fitness gear that end up being passed up for tasty food and being worn as pj's to sit on my ass and hog out.
more times than i'd like to admit this it's happened, while in the back of my head i'm screaming that i'll fuck it up. self-actualizing prophesying. it's almost amusing. this time i don't have tons of cash to blow, so in that regard i won't disappoint myself. i'm taking the front seat instead of the back, watching the road, mapping my journey and paying attention to the signs along the way, hopefully seeing progress at the same time.

wanna come along? i'm sure it'll be interesting...lol


welcome all...

say now, you could be wondering what this blog might be about.

it's my story. my journey. my struggle to get healthy and stay healthy in a society that makes it so easy to just give up.

i'm trying it my way this time.