conquered cravings and blog love...

hey all,
i'm taking full advantage of a cancelled afternoon class and an open computer to come and blog at you fine people. you're welcome. :-)

first, i just have to share how excited i am that i actually made a good food decision last night. lately my eating has been hit and miss. mostly just grabbing lunch or dinner on the run and between classes, the unconscious iffy choices have kind of snuck in. but i'm on it, the hecticness of a new schedule is gone, so its time to be smart. thats what college is about, no?

ok, i don't know if everyone gets em, but around here we get these coupon booklets from mcdonalds in the mail. baaaad news. so there was one in the mailbox the other day and it was just sitting there on the counter, looking inanimate but totally beckoning. it had me craving in a bad way y'all. just about the time i was trying to justify a mcd's run and simultaneously slipping on my shoes, i stopped. i said self, come on now, you were just telling me the other day how we need to get out of bad habits, and get back to basics. i replied, self, you're right, dammit. lets not be dummies here.

so off i marched to the grocery store where i picked up some fixings for a cravings buster. i got some thick cut oven fries and some italian rolls and when i got home, i made one of the tastiest grilled chicken sammys i've had in a lonnnng time. and it totally killed my craving. for the price of a greasy burger or chicken sandwich and fries at mcdonalds, i made a way better decison, and even had enough left overs to take to school for lunch today...i'm tellin ya, i'm gettin my smarts back. indeed.

second on the agenda, i recently recieved some blog lovins from two lovely ladies, kimmi and rachel. thanks girlies!

okay, the rules for this little cutie are:
post 10 things that make you happy
try to do at least one of them today
and pass some lovins on to 10 other bloggers

and go...

10. the pure pleasure of picking up a big, fat, glossy fashion magazine. the more perfume ads the better. just something about the way it smells and the content just equal pure luxury for me.

9. catching up/spending time with my brother. that kid is so fucking funny. when he comes home from school we spend hours just hanging on the couch laughing, telling stories and looking at rediculous youtube videos. it just never feels like home without him.

8. cooking. for me, finding a new recipe that i just can't wait to try is thrilling. buying the ingredients, preparing and cooking the meal, step-by-step puts me at peace. and even better, sitting at a table with people who i love and who love to eat what i oh-so-precisely prepared for them.

7. folding laundry. and not just any laundry. hot from the dryer laundry. mmmmm

6. spending time with the ones i love. friends, the boyfriend, family...they all mean so much to me.

5. amazon.com. do i really have to explain this one? perhaps my 8 page wishlist can help you out.

4. being outside. i love nature, in all seasons. i love seeing the places of my memories, and discovering new places to make memories.

3. photography. bliss. period.

2. finding out that i really can accomplish my goals, if i only give myself what i deserve. and that is love. and forgiveness when i screw up.

1. blogging. i have found an insane amount of love for this here little outlet of mine. for some reason, you people let me say whatever the hell i want to. and i love you for it.

share the love....
ok 10 bloggers i want to share some lovin with:
about half of these are ''new-to-me'' bloggers who i just gotta share some love with...
Girly Bitz -funny as hell. peri. od. love.
Erin @ Glam, Glitz & Gut- i don't just love her blog cause we got the same name.
Tiff @ Project 365- this girl is seriously amazing. she's got serious motivation and a serious goal. i definitely admire her in a biiig way.
The Phat Nanny- totally fun and funny. love.
Jheneal and Jheanelle @ The Lost and Found- two sisters, one goal. love.
Lilu @ Live it, Love it- hmmm...just because someone just won a bunch of 20SB awards doesn't mean i can't jam some more love in her pretty face, right? take it lilu, take it like a man.
Dree @ The Making of Dree- an american girl in ireland. love.
Sophie @ Tales of an Ordinary Life- one of my favorite brits. love.
Tricia @ Fight Fat Phobia- cause she's laid up with a busted foot, going batshit. love.
Hadley @ Halving Hadley- she just returned from a bit of a hiatus, and we are all glad to have her back. love.


busy bee...

hey guys! long time no post, eh?

i've been busy busy lately, but i thought i'd hit ya up with an update or two.

school is going great. i'm riding a serious wave of motivation and actually DOING SHIT. huh...this is new. lol

i think it really ties in to the behaviors and skills i've learned on my weight loss journey.
-and a serious desire to not fuck myself up.

who knew? you work hard on changing one part of your life and you end up effecting all parts of your life. it's really kind of a wonderful realization to come to, you know? realizing that i can change my worst habits and transform them into habits that will help me succeed.


on the weight loss front, my numbers have been going slightly up and down over the last week or so, but in general i'm maintaining. a combination of moving more and eating regularly is definitely giving me physical results. even after only a week of climbing up from the parking lot to my first class, its getting less taxing each time i do it. i'm loving the fact that lugging 20 lbs of books up a mountain will only help me get stronger and lose more. i'm trying to focus less on the number on the scale and more on the physical improvements i can see and feel, cause in the end, the number is the far more subjective measurement.

i've decided that i'm going to switch to bi-weekly weigh-ins. at first, i'm sure i'll have some anxiety about not seeing a number every week, but i've been noticing some obsessive weighing habits slipping back in, and thats achieving nothing but stressing me out. and i'm so over that.

on the love front...this girl could not be happier. :) i'm tearing down a lot of my defensive walls and disabling some negative defense mechanisms. its a transition, to be sure, but i could not have found a better partner to walk this road with. the people around me are noticing a marked difference in the way i laugh, talk, and smile. which by the way...its pretty much a constant thing, this smile of mine. i wonder...does strengthening of the cheek muscles burn calories? lol if not, i'm pretty sure i know one thing that definitely does ;)

hope to check back in soon!!!


weigh-in and NSV

holy balls people.
check it out....

starting weight: 350
current weight: 323.4
weekly loss: -3.2 !!!!
total loss: -26.6

sooo...i definitely expected a gain this week. imagine my total shock seeing that number. lets just say, if i hadn't already peed, i totally would have peed my pants. lol

it feels so good to be over the 25 lb. hump. every 5 or 10 lbs or so is another small milestone. another step toward my goal.

and for my NSV?
i have a pair of silk pijamas. when i bought them, i was so in love with the bold color and style. now? not so much. BUT. i've kept them for over a year simply because when i bought them, the bottoms didn't come anywhere near fitting comfortably. i wanted to make those jammies my bitch.

and guess what? i finally did. they slipped on last night and were comfortable enough to sleep in without feeling like they were gonna shred with the slightest change in position.

i woke up feeling...amazing.

now, onto a new, sexy pair of pjs. i want these...

goals people...lets achieve em.


what the wha?

what is it about the dead of winter that makes me want to carbo-load like a motherfucker?

the past week or so my food choices have been less than stellar. there's been a serious lack of fruits and veggies, and also lean and red meats. no wonder i've been feeling a bit of the crud. a straight diet of pastas, breads, and cereals will easily make me feel like shit.

tonight i had a dinner of blackened chicken, pasta with garlic and parm, and a massive serving of green beans. already i can feel a difference. kind of a bit of a wake-up call. if i want to hit my goals, i have got to get back to basics.

balanced diet
+ move more
+ drink plenty of fluids
+ plenty of sleep
= weight loss

this is the formula i KNOW works for me.

i've been letting some (if not all) of those guidelines slip away. i haven't worked out in weeks, i've been sleeping way more than i need to be, and went rather lax with my diet.

done with that lameness, right now.

school starts on monday and i plan on taking full advantage of the on-campus gym and the necessity to walk to all my classes. i plan on packing healthy, satisfying snacks and meals to get me through the day without ever having to step foot inside the dining hall.

the last time i was on campus was 15+ lbs ago. the climb to and from classes was taxing, i refuse to let it remain so.

weigh-in on saturday. good or bad...i'm facing that scale.

its time to wise up, get back to basics, and rock the fuck on.


end-of-challenge weigh-in

so folks...

moment of truth.

i orginally weighed-in on friday, but didn't see the loss i was looking for. i attributed it to the unintended excess of alcohol thursday night and some minor water retention/bloating. this morning i followed a hunch and weighed again (i needed pics to post for you all anyway) and saw an additional loss of 2.4 lbs. !!!!!
starting weight: 350
challenge starting weight: 333.4
end-of-challenge weight: 326.6
challenge loss: -6.8
total loss: -23.4

awwesome! didn't meet my big goal but dammit, nearly 7 lbs in a month is kick ass.

i'm definitely excited. i am going to rock my shit this year.
i set my new 10% goal for march 1st. thats approximately 60 days to lose 11.6 lbs. i am SO on it.

goals folks...lets achieve em.


new years and old...

happy new one boys and girls!!!

2009 was a roller coaster year for me. it started out with insane momentum and motivation. by mid-year i was racing through hairpin, terrifying curves, loops, and freefalls. now as we enter into the new year, it finally feels like i'm sliding comfortably back onto the platform. full of relief, adrenaline and excitement.

i'm ready to jump on a new coaster. only this time i'm prepared. i faced my worst and best year to date. i healed myself through painful failures and celebrated my achievements and successes. i'm entering into 2010 with a full team of support, my friends, family...and the people that helped me push myself harder when i thought i couldn't keep going, who laughed with me, comiserated with me, and shared their own successes and pitfalls, bravely and openly....


this whole community of ladies (and a few fellas), you guys have lifted me up and helped me to find the strength within myself to never settle for less than my best, but also to find the courage to pick myself back up when i stumble. i will never take for granted all the lessons i've learned and the friendships i've found in this place of all places. thank you, all of you. i can only hope i'm able to be there for you the way you have been for me. i love you guys. for reals.

in 2009 i...
-learned to love me, back tits, thunder thighs and all
-succeeded in being admitted to Penn State University, an immense personal point of pride. to go from an all time low in community college, to finding a major and career calling that genuinely makes me excited for my future, i've never felt so lucky
-lost 40 lbs from my all time highest weight
-lost consistently for 4 months without gaining
-found the strength to overcome an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness and depression.
-stopped taking my family and friends and loved ones for granted
-found the love of an amazing man, who loves and wants every inch of me
-tried new things
-went new places
-learned to embrace a new and successful way of living and losing

tonight marks the end of my scale challenge. tomorrow morning is looming. anticipation and fear are battling in my belly. i plan on taking my measurments first, and then weighing-in.

holy shit y'all. i have successfully completed, for the first time, an actual challenge. i've started a hell of a lot of them but i've never looked back over it from the finish line. it feels...awesome.

really. fucking. awesome.

let's go people...let's kick ass for the next 365.
i'll be with you the whole damn way.