sticky laptop death

ok bloggers...just wanted to let y'all know i might be slightly more absent than usual on account of my laptop falling to pieces. if i can handle typing on it without any more keys falling off or tearing my hair out in frustration...i'll be back.

p.s. hot sugary coffee + keyboard = baaaad match (in my defense...it was only an eensy bit, and when i gently pried up the few keys to clean it, who knew it would kill my keyboard forever.) i'm contemplating a new one...instead of buying a replacement keyboard for a tres old laptop that would end up needing replaced in a year anyway.



starting weight: 350
current weight: 337.2
weekly loss: -.8
total loss: -12.8

ugh. the worst part is that this comes as NO surprise. i totally dropped the ball this week. too much or not enough of one thing or another. still, its always nice to see even a slightly smaller number.

oh, and just a tip...if you weigh-in in the mornings, don't get all anxious and weigh yourself in the middle of the night "just to peek". i'm certain my weigh in would have been at least a pound better had i not lost my patience and weighed myself at 3 a.m., and when it said i was up 2.8 (!!!!) i then proceded to have a food orgy of shame. thank god i just stuck to pretzels and chips and not the leftover chicken and mashed potatoes calling my name in the fridge. i was also contemplating some grilled cheese and other crappola. thank the baby jebus.

also...i'm getting a little sick of all the product placement on biggest loser. it's just ridiculous. i think i may opt to watch online and bypass all the commercials. did you know at least 30 minutes of the biggest loser programming is commercials? NUTS!


Menu Plan Monday

so this week i'm focusing on making my 15 lb goal, while still making satisfying and healthy meals. that means lots of veggies, lean meats and fish and cutting back my pasta and carb intake a bit. i have a week and a half until my birthday and i want to try reallllly hard to hit that goal and keep my weight loss consistant.

what i'm eating this week:

monday- tomato soup and grilled cheese

tuesday- baked jerk chicken, smashed potatoes, steamed carrots and green beans

wednesday- cajun shrimp and veggie packets, rice

thursday- caesar salad with blackened salmon

friday- leftovers a' la carte

saturday- salsa chicken, black beans and rice w/ fresh corn and green peppers

sunday- parmesan baked tilapia, baked potato, steamed broccoli

also! i managed to book work for EVERY day this week. mama be gettin some bill moneyyyy


weekend update: enter if you dare.....

oh man! having such a great weekend so far! my brother came home for a visit this weekend and we've been gettin into some great stuff. i was missin that kid pretty hardcore.

first things first: my spoooooky fridge!

lol think it'll keep me focused? i kept giggling like a dork at the "enter if you dare" context.

today we carved pumpkins and had a serious blast, tomorrow is dinner at the mom's and an apple pie bake-off!
guts and gunnetts!
ahh pumpkin carving...a forgotten art. (left: craig's Drexel Dragon right: mine! jack skellington)
pretty badass if do say so myself (and i do!)

on the weight loss front, i've been definitely working harder at eating more balanced and way less junk. all the candy and sweets are gonegonegone so they will no longer be a temptation. i'm trying like hell to work hard and meet my 15 lb goal this thursday. getting my schedule back in order and keeping track of my foods better will definitely help me achieve that goal.

on another note:
i've also been thinking a lot about body image and what motivates each of us as we take this journey. Jen had a great post yesterday about what motivates her, and it planted a thought seed in my brain. what is it that motivates people? is it looking hot like we did way back when? is it a smaller jeans size? health? family?

everyone has different and intensely personal reasons and motivations for wanting to lose weight. for some they want the body they used to have back, that place in time where they felt they looked best. and let me say up front...there is not a thing wrong with this kind of motivation...if it works for you, then it works, and keep going on with your bad self. but for me, i hated my body for much of my adolesence and never really experienced the pleasure some feel at being slim. but i found my own pleasure as i got older and learned to appreciate the body i had. i found my confidence, learned that no matter what size i am: i am beautiful. maybe the world doesn't think so, but i do. i see my curves and the shape of my figure and don't automatically think: disgusting! i see a story, a person made up of all the aspects of my life. i am motivated to lose weight because i have a life to lead, one that i know will benefit from being healthier. hell yes i want smaller jeans, but that desire is in no way near the top of my list of reasoning. sure, physically i might enjoy seeing a slimmer me, but my life is not defined, nor my beauty or my opinion of myself, by the personal preferences and attractions of other people.
i'm also very motivated by the fact that i want a family, and health-wise it's no lie that being overweight and pregnant/a parent is a big risk. one i'm not willing to take lightly. i want to be able to be healthy for my child or children. i want to be a good example of loving yourself no matter what size, but also a healthy one. i don't have to be a size zero to be healthy. i don't have to be a size 10 to be healthy. i try and remind myself of this fact every time i start obsessing over clothing sizes.
everyone has different goals and motivations and ways that they define themselves in this endeavor, these are just a few of mine. what are some of yours


weigh-in/ the cuteness

starting weight: 350
current weight: 338
weekly loss: -0.6
total loss: 12 lbs

so yeahhhh...this week's weigh in was telling. though when i look back over my week, i know where i went wrong. and surprisingly it wasn't the introduction of candy and sweets into my house. i think it had more to do with the fact that i didn't track AT ALL, and i ate out a few times. i ate more often at night and was pretty inactive. i'm just glad i didn't gain.

it's time to re-commit. for reals. i really kicked ass yesterday getting the house cleaned and cleared away (over the 3 weeks or so that i was sick, i really really let the housework slide). it feels good to have a clean house again, clear of all the clutter. now i just have to work hard on the activity and tweak my eating a bit, make healthier smarter choices.

in other news...today and tomorrow i'm babysitting for my godson. he is such a freakin cutie. hopefully i can burn some serious calories chasing his goofy ass around the house lol


when you know you have a real friend...

is when you go almost a month without talking and she still loves you.

cause she knows you hate talking on the phone and can never remember to call people.

but quietly reminds you about how much it annoys her to help you be a better friend.

love you sarah. thank you for putting up with my crap for 8 years and still loving me.
love you to the moon, and then to pluto.

best best on the planet

so...i went on a grocery store binge today. not eating, buying (though the eating will come). but i bought me a neat little stash of halloween crap. i didn't buy a huge variety bag of candy, rather a couple full size candy bars. i think i got like 5. i hid them up in a cupboard for when i just gotta have me some chocolate. i also got a package of popcorn balls. theyre pretty low in fat and calories and also super awesome. the only thing is now i've got a bunch of candy and sweets in the house and i'm waiting for that urge to binge to kick in.

i'm proud of myself for not spending 20 bucks on candy, but i'm wondering if i screwed myself over by giving in to my cravings.

we'll see, come weigh in on thursday...


blogblock/ dexter lovefest

yeahhh...i seem to have blog block. nothing is going on, nothing is going through my brain...

which might have something to do with the 24 hour (literal), 2 season, Dexter love fest that just occured in my bedroom. (woulda been 36 if netflix had season 3 available to watch instantly)

when something other than the combatting urges to eat or sleep for 10 hours fills my brain, i will be certain to spill it all out here for youse guys.


oh. yes. *updated progress pics!*

i can't think of a title that can fully explain how flipping pumped i am right now.

starting weight- 350
current weight- 338.6
weekly loss- 4 lbs!!!!!
total loss- 11.4

ummm...hell YEAH!

i don't really know what kind of number i was expecting since last week threw me for a little loop. mostly this week i was working my ass off trying to negate that possible gain. i guess it fucking worked, man.

when i looked at the number on the scale, i gasped and literally almost fell off. lol. now, i always weigh 3 times in a row, to make sure there's no other possible weights, but i tell you what, i did NOT want to get back on. it was like my unicorn. look again and it's gone. but i did...2 more times...and YES! it's official...i'm down 4 lbs for a total of 11.4. i'm 4 lbs away from my first goal and 10.6 lbs away from my birthday goal

now i just have to keep myself going...i always start to slack off after the first 10 lbs so i gotta stick with it and do work.

for this next week i'm going to try and meet a few small goals-
-work out at least 3 times
-journal at least 5 days
-walk 6 miles (/wk total)
-kick major ass.


giving up my ghosts/ fashion update

over the years, i've had a lot of different ghosts in my head saying negative things.

some are me. some are family members. there's even one from waaaay back in the 3rd grade.

i had planned (and got halfway through writing) on writing a blog about the last experience there. it was a rough time, and it's haunted me for almost 15 years...but recounting a crappy childhood experience is so not the point i want to make.

from now on, the only voice in my head is going to be mine and i'm going to try damn hard to make sure its a positive one.

on the other note, i found an AMAZING website today.

it's a flipping fabulous plus sized online clothing store, a lot like lane bryant but with better prices and aimed more at 20somethings and a thousand times more fashionable. all of their pieces come in sizes 14-32, also pretty, sexy lingerie and the some of the most orgasmic shoes and boots (in wide calf sizes too!) i fell in love with it!! it's UK based but they ship to several other countries including the US.

i just had to share my favorites!

yummmm...guess where i'm gonna be doing my shopping spreeing?


::ahem:: and the award goes to....

me :)
alrighty, first up: thanks hadley, i return this award to you in spirit since ya already got one!
second: rules- 6 things about me my readers don't know and then passss it on.
alright, bitches (and dude bitches) let's knock this out...
1. are you sure you checked mapquest?! do you know where we're going?!?
i am intensely phobic about getting lost while driving, especially at night. if i'm going somewhere new, i get directions from all (seriously, ALL) the maps/directions web sites. over the years, since i got my car when i was 18 i've been taking steps to control my fear and anxiety, such as taking road trips (i went to tennessee!), and taking new routes on a whim and exploring new areas (but only during the day!)
2. what time is it? time for you to learn how to tell time...
i didn't master the skill of reading a clock until i was almost 15. i think it may have something to do with my dyslexia, but for whatever reason...i just couldn't get it. i got picked on by family members all the time about it. it was hardcore embarrassing.
3. one...two....FUCK!
i have both my nipples pierced. back before my tattoo/piercing parlor of choice enforced a retarded appointment policy, one could walk right in and get inked or stabbed. randomly one night i was driving through town to meet some friends and thought, what the hell? so i went for it.
4. bright lights, big city...
i love cities. almost any city. although i've lived in the country my whole life, whenever i go to NYC or Boston or Philly...DC, Baltimore etc...i feel right at home. there's a buzz of energy in a city that makes my skin tingle. i have one fatal flaw that just don't cut it in the city...i'm far too polite. guess i'll have to work on that before i decide to make my big move.
5. you see there was this guy... no wait
i downright SUCK at telling jokes or stories verbally. you see, i'm a writer at heart, so when i tell a story, i'm revising it at the same time, so i get all fucked around and stupid. the people nearest and dearest to me are well aware of this so, accordingly, they'll either deal with it (my parents, adult relatives) or they will tease me to no end (my darling baby brother) but i'm a firm believer in that if you are lacking in one area, you make it up tenfold in another. for me, it's my laugh. i have a great laugh. i am constantly laughing. my brother, he tells fucking great stories, so i always make sure to show my appreciation by laughing till i bawl.
6. can you close that?
i am obsessive about things being open that shouldn't be. cabinet doors, drawers, the lid on the washing machine, shower curtains. if i'm in a room that has something open...i get itchy to close it. my family thinks its flipping hilarious. every now and again, my brother will go out into the kitchen and open up ALL the cabinets, drawers, microwave....and just stand there and smirk because he knows i can't just go on about my business and not have a maniacal need to closethosedamndoors!
now for my honorees-
-rachel at bodybypizza: this chick downright rocks. i love her blog, i love following along on her awesome journey.
-natasha at creating natasha: one of the sweetest, awesomest canadians i've ever had the pleasure to meet.
-tricia at fight fat phobia: bad. ass. bitch. end of story...
-sophie at tales of an ordinary life: this is one lovely brit. i love her blog and i can't wait to see how far she goes with it.
-thuseybelle: this chick rules. i look forward to getting to know her better. she's a sister in this weight loss journey and a fellow ink addict.


a rockin surprise...

i have not worn jeans that didn't have stretch in them for over a year.

today...i DID.

i have this basket in my closet full of expensive jeans in sizes 22 to 28 from throughout the years. i refuse to throw them away. they are my motivation.

when i had to buy my first and only pair of size 30 jeans, i was so disgusted with myself. i hated the fact that i had to buy them online because i couldn't fit into the store sizes. i let myself binge constantly because i didn't know any other way to make myself feel better. now, i've fluctuated between a 30 and a 28 for the past year or so, but only if the 28 had some stretch in it.

right before summer started, my last pair of jeans that werent capris tore badly and weren't fixable. i made a vow then that i would not buy a new pair of jeans, but rather work hard and lose weight to fit into my old jeans.

and i've done it.

the first step at any rate.

it was bitchin cold today and i was sick and tired of sweatpants and pjs so i decided to give it a go and try and put on the jeans that have been sitting in my dresser drawer for 3 months. i was massively prepped for disappointment. so imagine my surprise when they slipped on and buttoned easily!!!

i'm so excited!!!! i can't wait to work on getting into the next pair (which is the same size, but with a smaller fit)

i also did some more closet/dresser/shoe purging and switched my summer and fall wardrobes around in the closet. i pulled a bunch of sweaters and knit stuff that i haven't worn in years and also finally have my polo collection down to 1. i just don't dig the style much anymore. i thinned down my camis as well. no one needs 20 camis. surrriusly
one of my clothes issues is that i LOVE buying underwear. all styles. all the time. over the past few months i've been slowly getting rid of the old ones, the worn out ones and the ones i don't wear at all. lol as it is they still fill 2 drawers in my lingerie dresser.

at the end of my purge session i had a 3 foot high mountain of old khakis, sweaters and hoodies, a rainbow of tank tops and ratty old tees. also a neat little hill of prom shoes and mis-matched flip flops.

phew! one more thing i can cross off my to-do list.

what a fucking awesome way to kick off the week.


the weekend update...

happy weekend folks!

so i noticed i've been a tad lax these past few weeks due to the traveling cold i've been playing host to. i'm pleased to report i'm doing way better, my body feels good...no more aches, no more fatigue, no more ab-wracking cough. all that is bueno. right now i'm trying like shit to get rid of some nasty sinus pressure in my head and ears, but thats pretty much a "stock-up-on-keenex-and-let-it-run-its-course" kinda thing...so here's hopin i'll be all fine and good by the end of the week. and thanks to everyone for the well-wishes...i'm sure they helped!

oh! guess what?! i got my Giveaway Grand-Prize goodie box yesterday and it is definitely awesome! thanks trish!!

-what i won-
-an awesome BL digital scale that will definitely come in handy
-a 5 pc. set each of measuring cups and spoons, and in festive fall colors no less!
-a cute little egg (that happens to have a beak and feet...) glass measuring cup
-a little soup thermos
-a set of locking storage containers
-the badass-est snack thingie...you can put fresh fruits or veggies in the bottom, and a little thing of dip on top! so neat.
-a package of 100 cal. packs of craisins and a package of 100 cal. pack mixed nuts (trail mix anyone?)
-2 packs of flipping awesome gum...tastes like now and laters.
-a nifty pedometer

holy frijole thats a lot of stuff! i also got a cute little congrats card and a ribbon, and a sticker!

in other news, i weighed-in on thursday, but was a bit disappointed. it said i was up 2 lbs...but i don't know if its cause of all the meds and not getting enough calories, or cause i'm on my period but i'm going to wait until this thursday to take down an official number. i know, totally cheating, but i don't have anyone to answer to, so i say i can...lol hopefully i'll see a loss this week. in any case i think my goal of 22 lbs by my birthday might be a tad steep. i'll be able to better evaluate it after this week's weigh-in, but if it's less than a 2 lb loss it's probably not doable (at least in a healthy fashion).
my activity level has been pretty low for the past few weeks, and reasonably so, but now i'm feeling up to taking walks outside regularly and maybe hitting the gym for some light circuits. the only thing is, i still have no appetite so i frequently forget to eat anything and then i'm starving by early evening. i've been trying to remind myself to at least get in some healthy snacks every few hours, but i just can't taste anything, so i don't get hungry for anything. right now i'm drinking most of my calories with orange juice and hot cocoa, etc. but it's not really cutting it.

i've been able to get up enough energy to get some of the housework done that's been piling up...dishes this afternoon, laundry a little later, maybe work on a menu plan and some other random to-do stuffs.

hope you guys have a spankin good weekend too!


woo! award!

thanks many times to sophie for choosing me for this loverly award.

according to the rules i have to answer some questions and pick some others for the award, but it feels a little too 9th grade myspace survey-ish, so i'm gonna opt out.
but just know, if i read your page, it generally means i think you're awesome.

in other news, thanks y'all for all the well wishes. my doc's appt. went fine (no lecture lol) but he really didn't tell me anything i didn't know so it was just like....yeaaah thanks man for validating what i figured out on my own. he prescribed me some stuff, but i generally like to avoid prescription medication so i'm goin it on my own. all i really wanted to know was that it wasn't anything more worrying than a cold on crack. the cough is pretty much on it's way out so the worst of it is gone...phew.


throwing in the towel...

i have to suck it up and go to the doc's. dammit.

i hate going to the doctors. i haven't been in like...5 years. i'm always terrified they're going to tell me i have some terminal illness or just something that will ruin my life forever. (that and the dreaded scale/weight lecture)

but this cough is insane. i've had it for 2 weeks and no matter how much i fight it, its only getting worse. on top of it i'm sleeping for an insane amount of time every day/night, my appetite is barely there and i've got a persistant headache.

i usually take the tack of "suck it up and don't complain" when it comes to sickness and pain, but now i don't even have to say anything and people around me know something is wrong.


in other news, i had a pretty great weekend. my mama and i hit up the National Apple Harvest Festival on sunday and had a fab time. got in some really great exercise walking around the grouds and checking out the stands. some good music and original craftsmen showing their stuff and mmm the smells from that place. constantly cookin up something. but i went prepared. i took some mixed nuts and some pretzels in case i got munchy and decided to hold out for ONE thing that really caught my eye, food wise. as the name implies, there are tons of apple based foods and then your basic fair fare. i went for an apple sausage sandwich with mustard. it was freakin amazing.


Battle Wendy's Burger Smackdown

so, yesterday i was driving around town, running errands and i decided to stop and get some lunch. but where to? subway? nah. what i really wanted was a cheeseburger.

first step was deciding if i could handle going to a fast food place and not going nuts. yup...i could.

step two was calming my anxiety about going into a restaurant alone. not a lot of people know this about me, but i have severe anxiety sometimes about eating in public. especially alone. for years anytime i ate fast food i used the drive thru and stuffed my face in shame and in private. so i sit for a while in the car. i breathe. i assign a number value to my anxiety level. i wait until that number goes down by at least two and then i go in.

next step is deciding what to order. when i used to eat wendy's a lot i always ordered a double cheeseburger, large fry and large root beer. i knew calorie and fat wise that was a really terrible decision and probably more food and drink than i could comfortably eat. so i downgraded. i got a regular cheeseburger, medium fry and root beer, and a frosty jr. (about 3/4 c.) i took my tray and found a table. i chose a table in the center of the restaurant, in view of other people. before i started eating i assesed my anxiety level and waited for it to go down a bit. i unwrapped my food, arranged it and dug in.

i enjoyed it immensely, did not feel ashamed for eating fast food, and didn't stuff myself full and make myself sick.

ohhh yea. another win for moi.


starting weight: 350
current weight: 342.6
weekly loss: -1

another one bites the dust...

yup...down another pound. i definitely wasn't expecting a loss this week, so that kicks it. i think it's hilarious though that i keep losing EXACTLY one pound, no more, no less.

gotta push myself realllll good this week to get to my goal.

get down with the sickness...

Dear Cold Season,

I would like you to leave me alone from now on. Lying abed all day is not in any way attractive, and it makes my hair look like Gene Wilder is hibernating on my head. I understand you have a quota to make, but cough medicine is expensive, and if you don't read the directions, is pretty much useless. My hacking and coughing sounds awful and alarms my neighbors when I shamble to the mailbox. I am running out of pajamas and I am watching far too many old Angel and CSI episodes on Netflix. I just wanted to let you know I'm done being your bitch, and that I fully intend on ignoring you tomorrow.

Thanks much,

that's right folks, i'm done with all this lame-assness. i'm done using being sick as an excuse to be lazy and not eating right and not getting anything done. i'm going to weigh-in tomorrow and hope the scale gods take pity upon me and at least not show a gain.

i got a call to do a "pre-interview" whatever the fuck that's supposed to be a front for, but hey, it's a possible possibility. i can whore myself out to the retail powers that be and hope at least someone needs someone to do bitch work for the holiday season. in case no one knew, my parents have forbidden me to have a job next semester, and i think it's for the best but it still terrifies me. this recent stint of unemployment has been a trial for me. i've learned to accept help from others and not be so embarrased that i don't have a job. but hey, lots and lots of people are unemployed and not doing half as well as i am so, i'll take my current situation as a blessing and just learn to live with what i have.