first of all, i want to thank you guys for your support and suggestions. you helped calm my nerves and didnt tell me i was crazy for being afraid. it helped a lot.

and, you were right! i have mild bell's palsy (me and george clooney), the doc hooked me up with some 'roids and i should be back to normal in a month or so.


currently i am baking two frigging delicous looking pumpkin pies (with brown sugar pecan topping!) and listening to the boy snore away on the couch. tomorrow i will be surrounded by friends, family and yummy food.

life is good : )

hope y'unz all have a happy thanksgiving! (as my gram would say lol)


why i hate making doctors appointments and why i (literally) feel like harvey dent...

ok. so since friday of last week i've been feeling like i have two faces.

not in a figurative way either.

...perhaps some background is necessary here.

for a few weeks now i've been having constant, daily headaches, jaw pain and facial twitches on my left side. i thought it was just stress, maybe i started grinding my teeth, or something. friday morning i woke up to find a completely new symptom; the left side of my mouth stopped moving and i was having trouble closing my left eye completely. it was fucking scary dudes. my mind went immediately to STROKE, holy fuck i had a stroke. luckily, i watch copious amounts of House and knew the components to the stroke test. slurred speech? nope. downturned lip? nope. numbness? nope. inability to hold my arms parallel to the floor? nope. thank fucking jesus.

my wonderful EMT fiance thinks its TMJ or something to do with the nerves connected to my jaw. tmj is usually easily treated, but i'm gonna be honest here, the most terrifying part for me is wondering if my face will be like this forever. if i'm always going to feel like a picasso painting. wondering if everyone is going to notice and ask what's wrong with me. terrified, y'all.

i have a doctors appointment tomorrow at 8 am (moangroan) to see whats the what. i am going through such intense anxiety right now. and heres the reason why i havent been to the denist since 2006. or why i was near death the last time i forced myself to go to the docs. why i'm a coward when it comes to the gyno or getting a mammogram. what if i go in, and they find something horribly life-alteringly awful. i would rather hide in ignorance.

but i'm going tomorrow. after fighting to gather the courage to make a call the last few days, i did it. it doesnt make me feel better. it makes me feel like my stomach is a black hole, lead balloon, anything really bad.

but i'm going. i am going. really really going.

i know, because raphael is driving me. so i cant flake out. (even though i want to more than anything in the world.)

i am going.

please god let them figure out whats wrong with me. and let it be treatable. please.


bitty baby steps...

i started tracking again today.

it's been a long ass while.

but i'm sick of zoning out when im eating, eating crap, and then pretending to be all confused when the scale puts up crazy fluctuating numbers.

this chick needs some structure back.

also, have you guys seen that show on tlc called "ton of love"? i have always been fascinated by all the tv shows about morbidly and supermorbidly obese people, but this one is different. not in a good way. other than one couple on the show, all the others seemed downright blase about the fact that their weight is seriously affecting their lives. there was one couple who had been trying to have a baby for years, but both of them were over 400 lbs. i thought it was common knowledge that obesity drastically cuts down your likelihood of getting pregnant and maintaining a healthy pregnancy. when the wife found out she had pcos, she almost didnt even connect part of it to the fact that she was obese. like it wasnt even a tiny factor. a big part of my motivation to lose weight is so that i have better chances of getting pregnant, lowering my risk of medical problems during pregnancy, and preventing pcos. it's a constant motivation. especially now that i'm engaged to the man i want more than anything to have children with. i would be downright terrified if i was 421 lbs and pregnant. so afraid of the complications that come with trying to carry a child and an extra 250-300 lbs of weight.

how do you guys feel about the different kind of aspects in shows like this? do you think it raises awareness or acceptance?


best. new. thing. ever. (and holiday prep)...

green bean crisps.

thats right. best new thing ever. my mama and i hit up bender's potato barn in chambersburg today before we braved the grocery store (to buy everything under the sun for a thanksgiving feast for 12 people....and also butter in the shape of a turkey. dont judge) and it was awesome. it was my first time there, and i'm pretty sure i fell in love. i love menonite/amish markets like crazy and this was no different. it was so cute, and had a huuuuuge selection of candies, baking goods, produce and all sorts of neat little gifties. well, one of the many many things that caught my eye was a little plastic container of green beans. crispy, dried, salted green beans. holy bejeesus. these are so fantastic. like a damn green bean potato chip.

like i said. new best thing ever.

speaking of thanksgiving, i'm starting to prep, schedule, plan and all the good stuff that keeps neurotic, perfectionist hostesses like my mother and i from losing our minds. part of that for me is planning ahead what to avoid, or what to only have a little bit of. for the healthy eaters, we're doing a hummus dip (sans oil) and pita chips/veggies. for the people who dont care, swiss cheese and onion dip (basically a greasy pile of cheese and onions that you spread on bread.) this crap is so good, but so damn greasy. i managed to almost completely ignore it at our christmas dinner last year, and had maybe one bread round with it on, and i was good for another year. people go nuts over this shit, but if it were up to me, i wouldnt have it on my menu. other than that, the usual spread, minus a few things that no one ever really touches anyway, and then piiiiieee! i have been waiting all damn year for pumpkin pie.

this year i'm baking and cooking a little extra for some friends of mine going through tough times. i know they'd be there for me if i needed it, and sometimes all you need to get through the holidays is to have a good friend feed you pie and give you a hug. i can definitely do that.

i always get this huge buzz going on during the holidays. this is my element. the hustle and bustle, the cooking, baking, friends and family, and just all the great things (and none of the bad) that come with the cold season. like christmas music in mid november. fuck yes. i heard Feliz Navidad (my favorite goddamn christmas song EVER) on the radio tonight and i just knew it was gonna be a good week. i can do this.

have a great holiday everyone!


fighting demons...

so my birthday weekend went pretty great. my dad took me out for dinner and drinks friday and i got to have a really relaxing couple days with people i love. minus a few rough patches.

like saturday...

i woke up late on saturday and ended up being lazy in bed finishing up reading the new book i had. for whatever reason, i was grumpy as shit. and it was pretty much all focused on raphael. the poor guy could not do anything right in my book. every time he called saying he was going to be late to pick me up, or whatever else, i bit his head off. when he did finally get to my house i was deep in a funk. i was snapping and arguing and he just kept asking me what was wrong (which is like the thing i hate to hear the most because it requires me to actually think about why i'm going crazy). as i'm trying to think it out and talk it out i just started crying and couldnt stop. i started shouting and crying and calling myself crazy. a lot of people might not know that since childhood  i have constantly been fighting a pair of demons known as Anxiety and Depression. they usually come in together and spur each other on and make me feel like i'm two people in one body.

about a week ago Mrs. Fatass bravely posted publicly about her struggles with anxiety. it made me realize that all those things inside me that i try to hide from people so that they think i'm "normal" really dont get hidden all that well. i've been struggling with anxiety about my weight, but the bulk of it is focused on school. i'm doing wonderfully, i have a great group of friends, and i just found out that i'll be graduating a semester earlier than i expected. but regardless of all the good, i still have a voice in my head telling me i'll fail. that i'm still not cut out for college. so i started missing the occasional class, having to make up an exam here or there, and fighting a losing battle with my sleep schedule. when i'm dealing with both anxiety and depression i get pulled and pushed between insomnia for days or sleeping for 18 hours a day. my advisor, who is also one of my professors, started to notice. when i missed the exam the other week, she called me out on it. she made me face my anxiety and made me realize that the mask i try to keep on isnt as effective as i think it is.

so all week long i've been aware of and actively trying to keep my anxiety at bay. but saturday night must have been my breaking point, because i let it all out. i gave my anxiety a voice and let it scream out all those hateful things that i tell myself. i opened the floodgates. and a funny thing happened. i heard myself saying these things that i make myself believe sometimes and i knew it was ridiculous. i knew it was a lie. i knew it was fear of failure and fear of disappointing others that bred all those ideas.

but most the most important thing, i let someone i loved in. i often exhaust myself trying to play pretend that everything in this head of mine is all hunky dorey. its not always. but it is so important to me that no one sees that side of me, because i dont want pity. i dont want people thinking im crazy. but i opened up a can of my craziest crazy that night, and you know what, he told me he loved me. that he loved me even more because i trusted him enough to be that real around him.

it broke the spell. and it felt so good. after i wiped the tears i felt so light. i felt like this burden didnt have to be mine alone anymore. i know that he'll be there for me and understand why i cry randomly or shut down for no reason. he's taking this journey with me now, he's picked up a sword and will be at my back the next time i go into battle, and it feels amazing.


birthday goodness...

today is my birthday.

it has been one of the best birthdays on record. and the good birthday thing for me is relatively a new concept. i had a shit streak going for a long time whereas birthdays were full of anger and sadness and pain. gladly the last few years have been much better. no screaming matches, no crying, and in their place love and laughter and good warmy things.

i got to sleep in, all snuggled in warm covers. when i finally got out of bed around noon i settled in on the couch for a house marathon and an onion bagel and hot cocoa. after a while i got up and whipped together a frigging delicious batch of pumpkin spice cupcakes. (by the way, cupcakes are way cooler than birthday cakes) then i decided to lounge around and browse the new bridal magazine i picked up the other day and watched some more tv. around 6pm my padre came home and took me out for mexican and margaritas. yummmm. now i'm back home just relaxing and basking in the birthday bliss.

i think the only thing that could have made this day better would have been getting to see my guy. poor thing's been in D.C. since tuesday between working and doing his EMT recertification classes.

my life is just so good right now. i'm thankful every day for all the little bits and pieces that fall into place to let me do what i do and be who i am. one of the things that has made my life so perfectly good is raphael. i've noticed (and my family and friends have noticed) a marked difference in my personality and ambition and my overall good mood. he lets me be me, neuroses and all. he lets me be a control freak when i need to, and takes my cues and steps in when i feel like i'm losing control. and the best of all,  he loves me. every little thing about myself that i obsess over, he loves. he makes me feel beautiful and sexy and like i can do anything.
not to mention my relationship with my parents has blossomed into something i never expected. i'm learning things about my family that i never knew, and finding out more about the people that created me.

school, life, fiance, birthday....everything is amazing.

now its time to work on reaching my weight goals. i am getting my body back. learning to eat well and get more exercise again.

happy birthday to me, my birthday candle wishes are starting to come true  :)