why i hate making doctors appointments and why i (literally) feel like harvey dent...

ok. so since friday of last week i've been feeling like i have two faces.

not in a figurative way either.

...perhaps some background is necessary here.

for a few weeks now i've been having constant, daily headaches, jaw pain and facial twitches on my left side. i thought it was just stress, maybe i started grinding my teeth, or something. friday morning i woke up to find a completely new symptom; the left side of my mouth stopped moving and i was having trouble closing my left eye completely. it was fucking scary dudes. my mind went immediately to STROKE, holy fuck i had a stroke. luckily, i watch copious amounts of House and knew the components to the stroke test. slurred speech? nope. downturned lip? nope. numbness? nope. inability to hold my arms parallel to the floor? nope. thank fucking jesus.

my wonderful EMT fiance thinks its TMJ or something to do with the nerves connected to my jaw. tmj is usually easily treated, but i'm gonna be honest here, the most terrifying part for me is wondering if my face will be like this forever. if i'm always going to feel like a picasso painting. wondering if everyone is going to notice and ask what's wrong with me. terrified, y'all.

i have a doctors appointment tomorrow at 8 am (moangroan) to see whats the what. i am going through such intense anxiety right now. and heres the reason why i havent been to the denist since 2006. or why i was near death the last time i forced myself to go to the docs. why i'm a coward when it comes to the gyno or getting a mammogram. what if i go in, and they find something horribly life-alteringly awful. i would rather hide in ignorance.

but i'm going tomorrow. after fighting to gather the courage to make a call the last few days, i did it. it doesnt make me feel better. it makes me feel like my stomach is a black hole, lead balloon, anything really bad.

but i'm going. i am going. really really going.

i know, because raphael is driving me. so i cant flake out. (even though i want to more than anything in the world.)

i am going.

please god let them figure out whats wrong with me. and let it be treatable. please.