fighting demons...

so my birthday weekend went pretty great. my dad took me out for dinner and drinks friday and i got to have a really relaxing couple days with people i love. minus a few rough patches.

like saturday...

i woke up late on saturday and ended up being lazy in bed finishing up reading the new book i had. for whatever reason, i was grumpy as shit. and it was pretty much all focused on raphael. the poor guy could not do anything right in my book. every time he called saying he was going to be late to pick me up, or whatever else, i bit his head off. when he did finally get to my house i was deep in a funk. i was snapping and arguing and he just kept asking me what was wrong (which is like the thing i hate to hear the most because it requires me to actually think about why i'm going crazy). as i'm trying to think it out and talk it out i just started crying and couldnt stop. i started shouting and crying and calling myself crazy. a lot of people might not know that since childhood  i have constantly been fighting a pair of demons known as Anxiety and Depression. they usually come in together and spur each other on and make me feel like i'm two people in one body.

about a week ago Mrs. Fatass bravely posted publicly about her struggles with anxiety. it made me realize that all those things inside me that i try to hide from people so that they think i'm "normal" really dont get hidden all that well. i've been struggling with anxiety about my weight, but the bulk of it is focused on school. i'm doing wonderfully, i have a great group of friends, and i just found out that i'll be graduating a semester earlier than i expected. but regardless of all the good, i still have a voice in my head telling me i'll fail. that i'm still not cut out for college. so i started missing the occasional class, having to make up an exam here or there, and fighting a losing battle with my sleep schedule. when i'm dealing with both anxiety and depression i get pulled and pushed between insomnia for days or sleeping for 18 hours a day. my advisor, who is also one of my professors, started to notice. when i missed the exam the other week, she called me out on it. she made me face my anxiety and made me realize that the mask i try to keep on isnt as effective as i think it is.

so all week long i've been aware of and actively trying to keep my anxiety at bay. but saturday night must have been my breaking point, because i let it all out. i gave my anxiety a voice and let it scream out all those hateful things that i tell myself. i opened the floodgates. and a funny thing happened. i heard myself saying these things that i make myself believe sometimes and i knew it was ridiculous. i knew it was a lie. i knew it was fear of failure and fear of disappointing others that bred all those ideas.

but most the most important thing, i let someone i loved in. i often exhaust myself trying to play pretend that everything in this head of mine is all hunky dorey. its not always. but it is so important to me that no one sees that side of me, because i dont want pity. i dont want people thinking im crazy. but i opened up a can of my craziest crazy that night, and you know what, he told me he loved me. that he loved me even more because i trusted him enough to be that real around him.

it broke the spell. and it felt so good. after i wiped the tears i felt so light. i felt like this burden didnt have to be mine alone anymore. i know that he'll be there for me and understand why i cry randomly or shut down for no reason. he's taking this journey with me now, he's picked up a sword and will be at my back the next time i go into battle, and it feels amazing.

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