my apologies for being absent of late...

my internship/schoolwork is TAKING OVER MY LIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!!!

in a good way...

been kinda putting other things on hold for now, trying to eat sensibly, but its not always working out. i know its no excuse, and i'm trying to change it.

miss y'all


its offish...

i'm officially an undergrad intern at Manito Behavioral Health and Human Services/ Laurel Life in Chambersburg PA!!

i had an AMAZING interview today....it feels so good!

see, i have this little pre-interview ritual. i've done it for every interview i've ever had. the day of my interview (or night before if its an early morning interview) i give myself a manicure/pedicure with Rimmel #660 Climax, a big, bold, brilliant purple. i call it my Power Purple, cause it does just that, makes me feel powerful. the next step is to crank some inspirational tunes, such as Ego by Beyonce/Sasha Fierce (duh), Don't Stop Believin' by Journey, Can't Touch This by MC Hammer, and a whole playlist of music to get my blood pumping and my confidence soaring. next, i put on my sexiest lingerie, usually a vampy bra/panty combo, and dance around my room while i get dressed. i dunno what it is, but it gives me an extra boost of confidence going into even the tamest interview dressed to kill (at least underneath). and there you go my friends, my secret for killer interviews.

and unfortunately, as awesome as today was, about 20 minutes after i left my interview, i had a HUGE anxiety attack. anxiety is an equal opportunity disorder, happy news or sad or anything in between is open for it to hit. i started worrying if i would fail, be stupid and get fired, just be stupid in general and ohmygod what if i dont even know what i'm doing, thisisgonnabehorriblejustgobackandtellthemno. i felt bipolar. up and down, balls to the wall excited and crushed on the floor anxious.

and so enters the Binge. spazzing, gottaeateverythinginthehouse and gobuyjunkfood freaking out in my head. i got about halfway through a really bad binge, nearly to the point of making and consuming a whole pan of brownies myself, and i just stopped cold. i threw everything away and went upstairs. lit an awesome new candle, put on some music and just tried to relax around my upset stomach.

life is crazy y'all, even the best day can make me run for food, not just the bad. but the point is i stopped, i didnt let my horror and shame and disgust at myself send me into a chocolate/food coma.

i went with the good. i called my fiance, cried and laughed and got my irrational fears out and quashed them, and celebrated my huge accomplishment.

and i'm just so freakin excited! the insane workload that is now on my shoulders is intimidating, but i'm going to do it, and i'm going to do it like a champ.


to tweet or not to tweet...

even after swearing up and down that i would nevereverever join yet another social media site and put my bits on display for the world....

i've been contemplating setting up a twitter account for the xxl-files. a weight loss related kind of thing to complement the blog.

but i feel the need to ask your opinion.

so? what do ya think? yay or nay?


super sunday update....

first off, i could give less of a shit about the super bowl, so i'm just gonna talk about how great my weekend has been : )

i weighed in on friday like i said, and the scale told me i was 337, but i call bullshit. i've been retaining a metric ton of water lately and just been feeling generally bloated so i think thats where the extra pounds are coming from. i've been trying to up my water intake, but it just never seems to be enough. my clothes are looser, so i know the weight is coming off somewhere but its just not showing on the scale.

so this weekend....

well, my weekend has been amazing. matter of fact, this whole past week has been amazing. relaxed and refreshed and just feeling great. took a walk with my guy in between rain showers and made some tasty, healthy dinners.

i feel more clear and focused and goal oriented than i have in a long time. my motivation and excitement for school and classes is back and i'm working hard to catch up and get everything back to good. i've started carrying around a notebook again, which seriously helps me organize my thoughts and my days and my life.

and things are starting to work out with my internship search! i got a callback on friday from one of my top choices and have an interview set for wednesday!!! also today i knocked out and revised a KILLER resume and coverletter and sent them off with some applications for some kick-ass job opportunities. i'm crossing my fingers extra hard that i'll hear back about one particular application; it's for a TSS (therapeutic staff support) job with NHS Human Services in Central PA!!!! its a CHERRY job and i think if i even get just a callback i'll be proud. (and if i get it...bitches there WILL be some serious celebrating going on).

one minor disappointment this week was that i didnt get to go to zumba on wednesday. our instructor was in a car accident and couldnt do classes. hopefully this coming week will have me boogie'n and burnin.

i'm starting to get my life back in order, get my career some running shoes and a practice track, and get one step closer every day to that navy blue and white cap and gown.


coming alive again...

hey all,
i know i've been kind of an absent blogger lately, but there have been some big changes over here at casa de erin.

i weighed on friday, but i don't remember what it was and every time i weigh myself now it changes every day. so i'm gonna hold off and do it friday and just go with that number.

but back to the changes.

so i realized about a week and a half ago that i was in kind of a depressive funk. the thing i love (read: hate) about being depressed is that i only recognize the telling signs of it in myself after it's already been hanging around like a houseguest that wont leave and uses all your clean towels and eats all your cheerios. but the point is, i DID recognize the signs like anger, moodiness, bouts of sleeplessness and oversleeping for hours, and general lack of interest in everything. so i set to work to try to clear away the clouds and get back to feeling like myself again.

i think the whole thing started when i filed my intent to graduate. you'd think something like that would make me ecstatic, overjoyed, whatever. but it terrified me. the second i clicked "file intent" i was automatically flooded with negative thoughts. i have a chronic fear of failure, and something like this triggered it big time. probably from then on i became someone else. that person used my face and body, tried to be me, but failed. i dont think anyone was fooled. i was a mess inside.

we're not even gonna talk about the Cupcake Incident.


but i managed to get my sunshine back, and it seriously feels like i've been asleep for the last month. i barely remember anything.

i've been working on getting not only myself, but my home and school environment organized and under control again. i've been sleeping better, taking better care of myself, keeping up with my schoolwork, and being attentive in my relationship.

it feels good to be back...


quick weigh-in update

starting weight: 342.4
current weight: 333.8
loss this week: -1.6
total loss: -8.6

sweet...trucking along just about the pace i want.

as far as school goes, i'm having serious motivation issues. i am so anxious about getting my internship set up and done in time to graduate that it's literally taking all of my energy just to worry about it.


annnnnd we're off...

jesus can you believe that january is almost over already?!

its been crazy busy and exciting so far, but first things first...

i weighed in friday morning because i was going to be away from my scale on saturday and heeeeere's the numbers

starting weight: 342.4
current weight: 335.4
loss this week: -1.8
total loss: - 7.0

pretty awesome! i'm trying to work on move my weigh in to sometime during the week, might stick with fridays for now though.

another awesome thing? my campus is offering free zumba classes every day of the week! freak yeaaaaaaaa....i think i'm gonna try to go next wednesday. i'm so excited.

i'm dealing with some performance anxiety now that i've officially put in my intent to graduate in the spring. i'm spazzing a little bit to get my internship set up and all my classes taken care of. so far i think this semester will be pretty chill though.

hope you guys are having a great start to 2011 too!


wicked awesome weigh-in!

starting weight: 342.4
current weight: 337.2
loss this week: -5.2
total loss: -5.2


what a week. kick ass weight loss and one of the most amazing dinner experiences i've ever had at VOLT in frederick, MD.

life is good


the final countdown (also, quiche recipe)...

so we're down to exactly one week from today until spring semester starts (i.e. the last one!) and i'm torn. on one hand, i really, REALLY do not want to give up all these handfuls of free time, but on the other, i am bored out of my mind, and that my friends, leads to grazing. no love.

i'm ready to be busy again...just ya know, not with homework or internships or anything.

this weekend was wonderfully sweet. breakfast in bed (waffles!), a mini-marathon of Third Watch our favorite show, and massive assive cleaning. finally got the old bed and box spring, which had been sitting half inside the closet door (wtf? how am i supposed to get my clothes man?), mostly out of the apartment. the mattress is still in our bedroom but neatly now, up against the wall. laundry put away, candles to burn away the smell of dust and dirty clothes (god, seriously, do men never clean?) and most everything put to rights again. ahhh, i love a clean bedroom/bathroom. it feels more peaceful and restful, i swear.

we started our "household" budget last night, keeping track of when things are due, when paychecks arrive, receipts of crap we buy, and what we can put into savings. it felt really great, like we were actually working together and  understanding each other. let's just hope it keeps up!

and finally, today i broke in my new tart pan (with removable bottom, ooooooh) that i got for christmas with a freakin bad-ass quiche. quiche is such a delicate word, but delicate this quiche was not. this was a filling, veggie stuffed, whole-wheatified, hearty demigod of quiches. and don't be afraid, this quiche is meant to stand alone, to which i recommend eating it on smaller plates than we did (giant dinner-sized), or giving it a plate buddy like a sassy side salad so it doesnt look so lonely. who doesnt like a sassy side salad?

the crust of this bad boy is amazing, and if you overestimate the amount of dough you'll need like i did, you can roll it out and make tasty little homemade crackers! i take my dough seriously folks, no wasting in this kitchen. it's full of herbs and butter, seldom a bad combination, but throw whole wheat into the mix and you've got a fiesta. a whole-grain fiesta.

if you like your quiche super eggy, you might wish to adapt this to include more egg. i prefer my quiche full of stuff, and i rather like to use the egg more of a medium to hold all that stuff together instead of being the main event.

when all was said and done, this came out beautifully. savory, herb-y, eggy goodness.

Salmon, Cheddar & Summer Veggie Quiche w/ Whole Wheat Herb-Butter Crust
Yields 6 large slices or 8 medium slices
nutrition facts can be found *here*

crust ingredients
2/3 cup whole wheat flour
2/3 cup all-purpose flour
1 tsp. salt
1 tbsp. dried basil
1/2 tsp. dried thyme
1 stick butter (softened)
1/4 cup water

filling ingredients
1/4 lb. turkey bacon, medium diced
1/3 cup diced medium onion (any color)
1/2 red bell pepper, medium diced
1/2 medium zucchini. medium dice half and slice the rest into coins or wedges to garnish
1/2 cup diced mushrooms (i like portobellos, but any kind of hearty mushroom will do)
1 frozen salmon filet approx 4 oz. (optional) cubed
2 large eggs
3 egg yolks
1/2 cup reduced fat or fat free sour cream
salt and pepper to taste
1 cup extra sharp shredded cheddar cheese, divided

to make the crust
1. mix dry ingredients in a medium bowl. cut butter into bowl and combine. dont be afraid to use your hands here. mix butter and dry ingredients until a crumbly dough forms. add in water and slowly collect dough in a ball shape, squeezing and reshaping with your hands until all the flour is incorporated. you can add in more water if you feel your dough is too dry.
2. wrap ball in plastic wrap and place in the fridge for 10 minutes. this makes the rolling easier and you wont get melted butter all over your hands (true story). you can also start prepping your vegetables while you wait.
3. preheat oven to 425 degrees. remove dough from fridge and roll out on wax paper sprinkled with flour. roll out dough until the diameter is at least 3 inches wider than the top of your chosen baking vessel. transfer to baking pan and fold down edges so that the side/top crust is thicker than the bottom crust. if you are using a regular pie plate, flute or crimp edges down. if you are using a tart pan, press firmly into the sides to an even thickness all around. prick bottom a few times with a fork to reduce puffing. (you can also use pie weights, rice, or beans on a sheet of aluminum foil)
4. Bake for 12-15 minutes, set to cool slightly, and reduce oven temp to 350 degrees.

to make the filling
1. crisp bacon in a skillet to your desired level of doneness and remove from pan. using the same pan, saute vegetables and salmon until tender. return bacon to the party.
2. in a small bowl, whisk together the eggs, egg yolks, sour cream and half the shredded cheese. salt and pepper to taste.
3. spoon vegetable mix evenly into the bottom of the crust. don't be afraid if your crust is completely full, we want it that way. evenly pour egg mixture over top of the vegetables, it will seep down and bind everything together. garnish with remaining cheese and zucchini slices.
4. Bake for 30 minutes then broil at 500 degrees for 5 minutes or until cheese is bubbly and golden.



bright, shiny, new year...

i woke up this afternoon morning wonderfully hangover free.

 i spent a mellow, relaxed new years at home with my family, although R was hauling bodies at work and was greatly missed. we had a great little spread that was way way scaled back from what we usually have. cheese and crackers with  fruit, steamed shrimp, and a sweet little nibblet my bro and i thought up. we were craving hot wings but didnt want to put up the cash or go out, sooo i just cubed up some lean chicken breasts, lightly pan fried them and coated em in pepper sauce. mmmmmm yummy, cheap, and healthier than take-out. armed with finger food and wine, we waited for 2011 to arrive.

about 30 seconds till midnight, i got a phone call from my love and we rang in the new year together watching fireworks. i would have loved to have him there for a kiss, but it was still wonderful.

2010 was just about the best year i've ever lived through. and thinking back on it, i actually feel like i was alive this year, not just existing from one year to the next. i saw dreams come true, goals achieved, and futures begun. it was truly amazing, and i cant wait to see what 2011 brings.

and now rolling with the cheerful cliche of a new year, i have a couple of goals to make.

i want to lose weight. duh. i want to get healthier. and i am determined to work hard at it. what i am not going to do this year is to make it a competition. you cant compete with yourself, and competing with others only results in someone coming up short. i dont want to do that. the thing i DO want to do, feel better, physically, by gradually reducing my body weight. i'm going to start posting numbers and weekly weigh ins again, because i feel ready for it. i've taken my time to work on my issues, and now i'm ready to take control again.

as of this morning, i weighed in at 342.4. yipes. but i'm not going to wallow. i'm going to work.

luckily, i have some neat tools, including my new favorite thing...


its a reusable, plastic cup with a straw! it holds a cool 16 oz, is double walled so that it won't sweat, and both the cup and straw are made of hard, durable, eco-friendly plastic. also, it looks like a take-out cup, which is awesomely cute. its so much sweeter than a water bottle and its pink. i picked one up at old navy when i was doing my post-christmas sale-ing, and i loved it so much i went out and bought another one.

 it helps me improve my water intake and its wicked adorable, which makes it fun.

i'm also working on keeping a budget, and creating a household budget for R and i. combining two incomes (or his income and my occasional babysitting cash....until i get a job after graduation) and two different spending habits and styles is going to be interesting, but we're making this plans and following through.

another thing, i want to take better care of myself to improve and maintain fertility. i'm not planning on getting pregnant for another couple of years, but i want to improve my chances for when we're ready. i've been tracking my periods and ovulations and it's helped me become more aware of what my body goes through throughout the month and how it effects my appetite, moods, sleeping habits, and energy levels.

another goal, to stop being afraid of the doctor. i need to make dental appointments, and check-ups and what not, and actually go to them. i need to stop being so afraid of what might be found, that i hide and ignore instead. that needs to change.

i am excited and a little scared to see all the changes 2011 has in store for me and for my future, but i am resolved to face it head on.

happy new year to everyone, i hope it's started out amazingly.