tomorrow is it. day one of my scale-less month. this means i'll be weighing in 2 days earlier than normal.
i am actually scared.
i've been eating really well. staying well within (and frequently below) my calorie goals.
but something in my head has been making me obsess over the scale. i've been weighing myself sometimes 5 times a day for the past 3 days or so. i haven't EVER done this. i've been number obsessed in the past, but something about going 30 days without looking at the scale is telling me that i can't handle it. some scared part of my subconscious thinks i'm going to go off the deep end without having that scale every thursday to keep me in check.
what the fucking fuck?
knowing this about myself, knowing i've been thinking and feeling this for days without truly understanding what it was about has made me all the more determined to face this fear and just fucking do it.
my weight has been up (by more than i would have though possible) every time i "peek". i don't know if it's a true gain, but i know now that seeing that higher number only fueled the obsessive compulsions to weigh myself and also the feelings of fear.
so whether i'm scared or not, tomorrow morning, i'm getting on that damn scale. i'm getting my shred dvd in the mail tomorrow afternoon, and i'm just gonna do it. no. matter. what.
here's to the next 30 days people.