yesterday i sat down in my kitchen and thought about what i really wanted. for myself. for my life.
losing focus is a habit for me. one i've fallen back into time and time again. it happens with my weight loss, it happens with school, friends, projects, you name it. and what's more, no matter how often, i let it go on much longer than it ever should. i'm holding myself back, and for what? i have this fear, this...nightmare really, that i'm not just fooling everyone else, but myself. that i'm already a failure, so why not just let myself fail. it's this leftover defense mechanism from a childhood that was far from dreamy. don't put yourself out there, don't trust, don't give your heart away, don't try.
i've turned down opportunities, amazing opportunities...out of fear.
i have the tools and the strength within myself to take on my world, to follow my ambitions, no matter how far reaching.
all i needed was a good system crash. to help me see the junk i've been letting in my life, in my mind and heart. things that were letting me feel like it was okay to be satisfied with sub par. i'm worth more than that. i deserve to be the woman hiding inside the scared little girl.
so this is my rededication. to myself and to everything i want to achieve, be it weight loss or finally finding a major i love and a career path i can be proud of. a me i can be proud of.