taking a new path...

so here's the thing.

i love blogging. it makes me feel great. i want to keep writing about the things that i experience and the things that interest me.

ever since i started my newest jump on the wagon i've been struggling with one issue in particular. and that's this feeling like i owe it to you guys to lose weight. like you dont deserve to read a weight loss blog where the author doesnt lose weight. it's been making me avoid this place like the plague when i gain, or binge or whatever. sometimes i get this crazy feeling like you're going to find out i'm a total hypocrite, a sham, a failure.

i skip posting weigh ins because i dont want to  feel like a failure. i dont want to let you down.

but i think i have been. not by gaining and losing and yo-yoing, but by not letting myself write about me. i've been trying so hard to make it all about losing weight that i forgot about the major component of that equation. me, as a person. forgot to vent and share about the ups and downs of my days and all the wonderful, painful, stressful, rainbow-of-emotional things i see and do and feel. i want to tell you about my cooking, my baking, and not worry about people thinking i could do without it, or that i could probably lose more weight if i avoided it. i want to tell you about how great school is going, how honored and stressed i was about recieving a scholarship, how amazing my fiance is and how truly in love with him i am. i want to tell you about the daily, sometimes hourly, struggles i have with my body, my weight, and my eating.

i think by unconsciously focusing so hard on not letting someone else down, i doubly let myself down by thinking my shit isnt worth writing about, and by self sabotaging my goals. that self sabotage is a handy tool, if you can recognize it for what it is and your unconscious motives behind it. i need to show myself again that life isnt all about losing weight. its about all the crazy little bits and pieces that make life so topsy-turvy awesome.

i will be continuing my weight loss efforts, and i might even share some numbers, but i think for now i'm going to focus on other things within this space.

and i do honestly know that all of this is in my own head. i'm pretty sure you guys arent all sitting out there thinking how disappointed you are in me, thinking i've given up. i know this. but if i can ask one small favor from you guys it would be this, right now, from all of you, but especially those who comment, i don't want advice. right now i need support, and understanding. thank you.