just like crack...only sexier....

so last weekend, i attended my very first Zumba class....

oh.
my.
gawd.

it was AMAZING. the whole class was so fun. i worked my ass off, but didn't feel like dying. i was smiling and laughing and enjoying every minute. i made it through the whole 1 and a quarter hour class and when it was over i wanted MORE. like...right away.

i felt so good all day. i felt energized and full of awesome. the boy even said i looked "radiant". um? i will absolutely take that.

i had some minor soreness in my hips and feet/ankles, but when youre shakin your ass for an hour your hips are bound to feel it, and i know the foot/ankle shit is cause my sneaks need serious replacing.

but lemme tell you, i cannot wait to take my next class. the center where i did it holds classes tuesdays, thursdays, and saturdays. it seriously could not have worked out better.

it is such a good workout y'all. one 1 hr. session burns around 750 calories...for an average (150 lb) person. just imagine how much more it burns for someone weighing twice that? you know how long you have to walk on the treadmill or the elliptical to burn that much? nuuuts. i'll take the fun, dance-y option over the stay-in-one-place-and-die-of-boredom one. but thats just me :)

other than that...i've been doing really well lately. i'm in hella better spirits and i'm back in a serious groove. i'm eating seriously well and still enjoying the various treats of spring and summer.

 i've sort of modified my "low-carb" diet to reducing mostly only processed food. most of the processed foods available are super high in sugar/carbs/badstuff, so i want to be avoiding that. some fruits and veggies are high in sugar/carbs, but its all natural, and i'll be hellbent to find something wrong with it. there are no preservatives or chemicals, or additives, so i know its safe to put in my body, and whatever sugar or carbs that are in it will be used, and used well. i think by reducing the amount of processed foods, the number of carbs i consume will be naturally lower.

my jeans are fitting better every day, even if the scale isn't moving. my brother and i did discover that my scale is messed up though. i should be well under 320 by now, but the scale shows me between 323 and 325. whatnow? my scale has always been wicked reliable and now its trying to make me cry. the scale at my moms shows the right weight, so i'm not super worried. i know i'm doing what i should be and sticking with my goals, i'm not going to let it get me down and bingey. no ma'am.

till next time,

goals folks, let's achieve em!

full steam ahead....(and a NSV!)

well folks, since i left you with my last majorly motivational (at least to me) and serious hear-me-roar declaration i return to tell you i've been moving full-out-no-stops towards my goals.

its been somewhat of an adjustment getting used to cutting a large part of my daily carbs, but after some minor slips and slides, i got my footing and more of an understanding of what it means to be committed to this low-carb bishness.

tonight i made a delicious dinner that was most definitely on plan. i made jamaican jerk seasoned flounder fillets, sauteed zucchini slices, and probably the most wonderful thing i've ever tasted...mashed carrots with garlic and butter.

as far as my NSV...oooh yea. i dug out my jean capris last week and holy crap...these things were tight as shit last year. like, barely squeezed myself in tight. this year? they're practically falling down. WIN!

onward!

my battle cry....

i have been fighting a war my friends.
a war where i am fighting from all sides.

not only am i fighting the scale, i am fighting myself. i've been in an angry stalemate for the past few months.

but girlfriend wants to WIN this war.

i've been in this vicious battle, and there had seemed to be no end in sight. i was eating well and seeing crap numbers on the scale. i let that dumb little number stress me out, and drive me into some serious denial/self-loathing. which led to some massive bingeing. in secret and not so secret.

but last night, i had a break, or breakdown. it helped me realize how negatively i've been feeling towards myself lately. with the strength of love beside me, i verbalized everything little feeling i've been trying to eat (literally? word) since the new year. i said hateful, awful things, and laughed when i knew i was about to cry.

i'm through.

i'm through watching this battle carry on, day after day, while i feel trapped inside a maelstrom of shame and hate.

i'm going to fight. and fight hard.

i am fighting for my life after all.


so this is what i'm going to do.
i am NOT going to let that scale defeat OR define me.
i WILL look that plastic, battery operated bastard in the face once a week (and only once a week) and i will NOT step off feeling like a failure.
i WILL defeat him with the sheer power of my determination to win.
i WILL look at the physical measurments of my progress and not despair. (sex on top anyone? WIN)
i WILL bolster myself with positive reinforcement, fuck being negative ya'll. that only leads to girl scout cookie binges.
i WILL NOT give up.
i WILL NOT give in.

i'm starting off this week with a metric ton of motivation. me and the boyfriend are gonna start hitting the gym. together. my mom and i are going to a zumba class this weekend, hopefully a regular thing. i am volunteering. i am putting myself out there. i am taking a personal interest in ME.

every single one of the posts i've made in the last few weeks and months have been leading me to this. every attempt has been to pick myself up, but this feeling, baby its a strong hand pulling me up.

this is my battlecry...and i will not go down without a fight.

its not you...its me (but really...its you)

oh baby!

spring is such a tease, 'specially up here in the northeast. 50 degrees and sunny one day, 2 feet of snow the next. but soon my friends, soon, it will be all spring-all the time and i cannot wait.

now dont get me wrong, i looove me some winter, but just in like...reasonable, non-debilitating ways. and now that its march, i don't think its unreasonable to tell winter to just move on. we had a fling, and its over. sorry winter, if i wanted to be monogamous i'd move to alaska. i've found someone else. someone warm and cuddly, with only a touch of your cold breezy mystery.

i wanna get out there and walk again without freezing my cookies. i wanna put my coat away (which, if you know about my deep and torrid love affair with coats, is really saying something). i wanna spring clean, ya know, in the spring? i wanna smell fresh grass, and flowering trees and hear the birdies. all that spring-y shit. i want it.

now-ish would be super.

and going with the spring theme here, i'm feeling revitalized. refocused. i've found a new stash of kickassitude.

i realized something the other day. so many people, myself included, give up when they have a bad day, week, or month (months? holla). when i used to do weight watchers, something would come up and i would justify eating badly and i would gain a little. then i'd feel so bad about spending the money for WW and then gaining that i would spiral. and instead of forgiving myself and picking my poor deflated self confidence and motivation off the floor, i'd leave it there. ignore it. and while i was ignoring it i descended deeper into emotional eating, comfort eating, angry eating...etc. then all of a sudden to resurface 6 months or a year later 30 lbs heavier and freaking the fuck out.

i'm getting better at noticing little emotional me all trampled and deflated on the floor. i just give her some love and breathe new life and confidence into her. i'm giving myself that billionmillionth chance (cause you know that second one had came and went a LONG time ago) to recharge and get back on my feet. i may be a little scraped up, but wounds heal...if you let them.

one final thing, i need some help y'all.
i want to go lower carb. LOWER, not superlow. like cut my average daily carbs by like...a fourth. or a third. just something. help me be more aware of the right and wrong kind of carbs i'm putting into this beautiful machine of mine.
so..what i need from you guys:
if any of you are doing low carb, or are carb conscious, or want to try to be,
-i'd appreciate any tips or tricks to reducing carbs
-suggestions for different foods to keep on hand
-meal ideas/recipes

you get the idea? bueno.
i would also love to hear your feedback or any research you've done on low(er) carb living/eating.

oh! i also recieved some blog awards a few weeks ago, which i promise i'll post, but i wanted to officially say thank you for!!

till next time...

goals folks, lets achieve em.

every day, in every way...

i'm getting better and better.

what is: the life lesson i've been re-teaching myself lately.

these past two months have not been my best. but one thing i do know? they were far from being my worst.

so, i quit bashing myself. i quit saying what a failure i was, how i let myself go off the deep end.

and i allowed myself to be happy with what i've accomplished. so far this year, my achievements haven't been very weight loss related, but another life lesson? weight loss is not my whole life. it's one part of my life. sometimes there are other things that need my focus more. on that note, i have been OWNING in school. seriously owning, and it feels so good.

this week i've been turning my focus back to weight loss, and it doesn't feel forced this time. i'm ready to get back into it and give myself what i deserve, health wise.

i've also made a new goal. i want to be down to 299 by June 1st, 2010. thats 23 lbs in 13 weeks. thats a weekly goal of a little less than 2 lbs. doable? heck yes!

in addition, i want to get moving more too. i checked out the free-for-students fitness center at school, and plan on going for walks now that the weather is getting sliiiiightly warmer. i'm aiming for at least 30 minutes of non-everyday activity.

oh! and i put the scale away for the month of march. i was seriously spazzing out. weighing in every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. it only led to being frustrated watching the numbers move up and down constantly. major stress and self hating goin on there. so i'm banishing it to the linen closet once more. 

i'm feeling good. finally got rid of my way-too-big jeans that were making me feel frumpy and baggy and slipped into my much sexier smaller jeans. i can't believe i'm down two whole jeans sizes. it definitely goes a long way to makin a girl feel good about herself.

ahhh...feels good to be back for real.

shall i say it?

i wannnnna say it...

goals folks, lets achieve em.

till next time bitches.....