i have been fighting a war my friends.
a war where i am fighting from all sides.
not only am i fighting the scale, i am fighting myself. i've been in an angry stalemate for the past few months.
but girlfriend wants to WIN this war.
i've been in this vicious battle, and there had seemed to be no end in sight. i was eating well and seeing crap numbers on the scale. i let that dumb little number stress me out, and drive me into some serious denial/self-loathing. which led to some massive bingeing. in secret and not so secret.
but last night, i had a break, or breakdown. it helped me realize how negatively i've been feeling towards myself lately. with the strength of love beside me, i verbalized everything little feeling i've been trying to eat (literally? word) since the new year. i said hateful, awful things, and laughed when i knew i was about to cry.
i'm through watching this battle carry on, day after day, while i feel trapped inside a maelstrom of shame and hate.
i'm going to fight. and fight hard.
i am fighting for my life after all.
so this is what i'm going to do.
i am NOT going to let that scale defeat OR define me.
i WILL look that plastic, battery operated bastard in the face once a week (and only once a week) and i will NOT step off feeling like a failure.
i WILL defeat him with the sheer power of my determination to win.
i WILL look at the physical measurments of my progress and not despair. (sex on top anyone? WIN)
i WILL bolster myself with positive reinforcement, fuck being negative ya'll. that only leads to girl scout cookie binges.
i WILL NOT give up.
i WILL NOT give in.
i'm starting off this week with a metric ton of motivation. me and the boyfriend are gonna start hitting the gym. together. my mom and i are going to a zumba class this weekend, hopefully a regular thing. i am volunteering. i am putting myself out there. i am taking a personal interest in ME.
every single one of the posts i've made in the last few weeks and months have been leading me to this. every attempt has been to pick myself up, but this feeling, baby its a strong hand pulling me up.
this is my battlecry...and i will not go down without a fight.