update...

my apologies for being absent of late...

my internship/schoolwork is TAKING OVER MY LIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!!!




in a good way...


been kinda putting other things on hold for now, trying to eat sensibly, but its not always working out. i know its no excuse, and i'm trying to change it.

miss y'all

its offish...

i'm officially an undergrad intern at Manito Behavioral Health and Human Services/ Laurel Life in Chambersburg PA!!

i had an AMAZING interview today....it feels so good!

see, i have this little pre-interview ritual. i've done it for every interview i've ever had. the day of my interview (or night before if its an early morning interview) i give myself a manicure/pedicure with Rimmel #660 Climax, a big, bold, brilliant purple. i call it my Power Purple, cause it does just that, makes me feel powerful. the next step is to crank some inspirational tunes, such as Ego by Beyonce/Sasha Fierce (duh), Don't Stop Believin' by Journey, Can't Touch This by MC Hammer, and a whole playlist of music to get my blood pumping and my confidence soaring. next, i put on my sexiest lingerie, usually a vampy bra/panty combo, and dance around my room while i get dressed. i dunno what it is, but it gives me an extra boost of confidence going into even the tamest interview dressed to kill (at least underneath). and there you go my friends, my secret for killer interviews.

and unfortunately, as awesome as today was, about 20 minutes after i left my interview, i had a HUGE anxiety attack. anxiety is an equal opportunity disorder, happy news or sad or anything in between is open for it to hit. i started worrying if i would fail, be stupid and get fired, just be stupid in general and ohmygod what if i dont even know what i'm doing, thisisgonnabehorriblejustgobackandtellthemno. i felt bipolar. up and down, balls to the wall excited and crushed on the floor anxious.

and so enters the Binge. spazzing, gottaeateverythinginthehouse and gobuyjunkfood freaking out in my head. i got about halfway through a really bad binge, nearly to the point of making and consuming a whole pan of brownies myself, and i just stopped cold. i threw everything away and went upstairs. lit an awesome new candle, put on some music and just tried to relax around my upset stomach.

life is crazy y'all, even the best day can make me run for food, not just the bad. but the point is i stopped, i didnt let my horror and shame and disgust at myself send me into a chocolate/food coma.

i went with the good. i called my fiance, cried and laughed and got my irrational fears out and quashed them, and celebrated my huge accomplishment.

and i'm just so freakin excited! the insane workload that is now on my shoulders is intimidating, but i'm going to do it, and i'm going to do it like a champ.

to tweet or not to tweet...

even after swearing up and down that i would nevereverever join yet another social media site and put my bits on display for the world....

i've been contemplating setting up a twitter account for the xxl-files. a weight loss related kind of thing to complement the blog.

but i feel the need to ask your opinion.


so? what do ya think? yay or nay?

super sunday update....

first off, i could give less of a shit about the super bowl, so i'm just gonna talk about how great my weekend has been : )

i weighed in on friday like i said, and the scale told me i was 337, but i call bullshit. i've been retaining a metric ton of water lately and just been feeling generally bloated so i think thats where the extra pounds are coming from. i've been trying to up my water intake, but it just never seems to be enough. my clothes are looser, so i know the weight is coming off somewhere but its just not showing on the scale.

so this weekend....

well, my weekend has been amazing. matter of fact, this whole past week has been amazing. relaxed and refreshed and just feeling great. took a walk with my guy in between rain showers and made some tasty, healthy dinners.

i feel more clear and focused and goal oriented than i have in a long time. my motivation and excitement for school and classes is back and i'm working hard to catch up and get everything back to good. i've started carrying around a notebook again, which seriously helps me organize my thoughts and my days and my life.

and things are starting to work out with my internship search! i got a callback on friday from one of my top choices and have an interview set for wednesday!!! also today i knocked out and revised a KILLER resume and coverletter and sent them off with some applications for some kick-ass job opportunities. i'm crossing my fingers extra hard that i'll hear back about one particular application; it's for a TSS (therapeutic staff support) job with NHS Human Services in Central PA!!!! its a CHERRY job and i think if i even get just a callback i'll be proud. (and if i get it...bitches there WILL be some serious celebrating going on).

one minor disappointment this week was that i didnt get to go to zumba on wednesday. our instructor was in a car accident and couldnt do classes. hopefully this coming week will have me boogie'n and burnin.

i'm starting to get my life back in order, get my career some running shoes and a practice track, and get one step closer every day to that navy blue and white cap and gown.

coming alive again...

hey all,
i know i've been kind of an absent blogger lately, but there have been some big changes over here at casa de erin.

i weighed on friday, but i don't remember what it was and every time i weigh myself now it changes every day. so i'm gonna hold off and do it friday and just go with that number.

but back to the changes.

so i realized about a week and a half ago that i was in kind of a depressive funk. the thing i love (read: hate) about being depressed is that i only recognize the telling signs of it in myself after it's already been hanging around like a houseguest that wont leave and uses all your clean towels and eats all your cheerios. but the point is, i DID recognize the signs like anger, moodiness, bouts of sleeplessness and oversleeping for hours, and general lack of interest in everything. so i set to work to try to clear away the clouds and get back to feeling like myself again.

i think the whole thing started when i filed my intent to graduate. you'd think something like that would make me ecstatic, overjoyed, whatever. but it terrified me. the second i clicked "file intent" i was automatically flooded with negative thoughts. i have a chronic fear of failure, and something like this triggered it big time. probably from then on i became someone else. that person used my face and body, tried to be me, but failed. i dont think anyone was fooled. i was a mess inside.

we're not even gonna talk about the Cupcake Incident.

yea...badbadbadness.

but i managed to get my sunshine back, and it seriously feels like i've been asleep for the last month. i barely remember anything.

i've been working on getting not only myself, but my home and school environment organized and under control again. i've been sleeping better, taking better care of myself, keeping up with my schoolwork, and being attentive in my relationship.

it feels good to be back...